90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

Super Bowl 47 Prediction


Is it sad that for the past week or so everyday when I wake up the first thing I think about is who is going to win the Super Bowl? Is it even worse that every day I change my mind on who I think is going to win? Honestly if it wasn’t for gambling I really wouldn’t care about this game. Sure watching the game is fun, but really all I want to do is win a quarter in my grid pool, get a bunch of stupid questionnaire questions correct and hope that I win money on my bets…….of course eating an obscene amount of food and drinking lots of beer also makes the day worth while. I’ve tried to read literally every single article written about this game in some sort of attempt to gain some knowledge on who will win and in turn have me win some money on it….Here’s some cool shit I found:

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Shit That has happened since I Last Posted


Shit...Got...Weird

Shit…Got…Weird

 

Well well well…..it has been quite a while since I have had the motivation to write anything in this space and I really don’t have any excuses except that I am lazy as a sloth.  Just to bring you up to speed here are a few of the highlights/lowlights in my life since my last post on March 13th 2012.

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard missed half a season

Cole Hamels Made a lot of money

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The Confession


INTERIOR -TELEVISION STUDIO- DAY

Oprah Winfrey rests perched upon her sofa. Lance Amrstrong sits, arms crossed upon his bicycle. A crowd of 50-something year old women watch with baited breathe.

OPRAH: We welcome you back to the show, I’m here with Lance Armstrong, cycling superstar.

Lance Armstrong tilts his head down and raises his right fist.

OPRAH: Now, we spent the first segment of our show politely asking Mr. Armstrong to get off his bike and take a seat on…

LANCE: BICYCLE!

OPRAH: Excuse me?

LANCE: My bicycle. A bike is a child’s toy. This is my tool upon which I shower the world with my greatness.

OPRAH: Well that greatness has been tainted with you coming out just hours earlier and admitting to your charity, Livestrong, that you did indeed use performance enhancing drugs during your amazing Tour De France races. How did that feel?

LANCE: It felt horrible Oprah. Looking at the faces of employees that made me the money I have today and allowed me to be inside Sheryl Crow for what seemed like forever, and telling them that I cheated was awful. Have you ever kicked a baby panda in the face Oprah?

OPRAH: Excuse me, no never!?

LANCE: It’s stress relieving but you feel just horrible about it. That’s what confessing these truths is like.

OPRAH: So, is there something you would like to say to me, and the audience, and your fans?

Lance looks down, away. He stymies a cry.

OPRAH: Come now, you can tell me anything.

Lance’s gaze rises to meet Oprah’s.

LANCE: May I jump up on your couch?

OPRAH: What? No! No more couch jumpers.

Without hesitation Lance leaps from his bicycle to the couch and begins jumping maniacally.

LANCE: I CHEATED!!! I CHEATED!!! I’M IN LOVE AND I CHEATED!!!

The crowd comes alive, showering Lance with approving applause.

OPRAH: Get down from my couch right this instant! Who do you think you are, Tom Cruise??

LANCE: I AM TOM CRUISE!!

The crowd chants “Cruise! Cruise!” with every emphatic jump from Lance.

OPRAH: You are not Tom Cruise!

Lance Armstrong stops jumping and whips out a gun. He points it at Oprah. The crowd falls from pure jubilation to a fearful hush.

LANCE: I am Tom Cruise!

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Mexican/American Relations and Recreational Soccer


I’ve never been punched in the face.

You’d think it’s something I would be proud of, but I’m not. I’ve had more than my fair share of instances where I should have been punched in the face. When I was a teenager I was stupid and called some kid a “faggot” in front of most of my high school class. It was outside in the parking lot (we didn’t even have to meet there after school!) and he came right up to me and faked his punch. I flinched. He held up. I’ve been an asshole ever since. I don’t even remember his name.

I deserve to be punched in the face.

A few weeks ago I started playing pick up soccer with one of the busboys from the restaurant I work at. I love futbol as much as the next sweaty guy clearing the plates off your table, I’ve just never really played it. Since I’m a natural goalie (RE: out of shape) I figured how hard could it be.

It’s really hard guys.

A 34 year old dishwasher in jeans kicks about as hard as anything I’ve ever been hit with.

The hard part though isn’t the game itself, it’s the environment. I have a weird relationship with people of Latin descent. See, I love their women. Spanish girls are like sunsets. Stunning, breathtaking, and I just love watching them go down. But I feel like me and Spanish guys just don’t get a long. Whether it’s the grill cook at work or the center forward for the opposing team, they just look at me like I’ve wronged their family.

Oh shit was that your sister?

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Saturday Quickie


Timmy P has not graced this wonderful website with any NFL picks since the Super Bowl last year so I figured I’d throw some quick picks at you. Anyone that was looking for my wizard-like advice for this season I apologize. I really didn’t keep track of my record this year, but based on my account balance at betbigcity.com (Yes, that is a real place) I think my record this year wasn’t pretty. Here’s some picks.

DENVER (-9) Baltimore

New England versus Denver next week will be a real treat. Unfortunately there are two really mediocre teams standing in the way of this dream matchup. Baltimore has the “our best player in franchise history is retiring as soon as we lose” factor going for them, but they also have this man leading their offensive charge.

Ray Lewis is one of my favorite players to every play the game of football. He’s one of the best linebackers to ever play and an even better leader/motivational speaker. He probably has at least 34 offers from southern churches to become their next leader in prayer. The Ravens defense is much healthier than they were during their 34-17 beat down the Broncos handed them last month. In that matchup they had a third-string linebacker playing in place of Ray Lewis who was on the field for every single play against the Manning led offense. I’ll take Ray Lewis with a bionic arm over that guy. Editor note: Since I’m my own editor I guess it’s just a note: too lazy to look up guys name. if you really care do it on your own. Thanks.

The only other thing that scares me is the silly stat that Peyton Manning is 0-3 in the playoffs when the temperature dips below 35 degrees. Gay stat, I refuse to acknowledge it…..but if the Broncos lose I guess Peyton really does hate the cold.

I think Demaryius Thomas and New Jersey’s finest Knowshon Moreno are going to have big days and that Von Miller will have a minimum of 2 sacks. Peyton will break his stupid outdoor playoff losing streak and the Broncos will roll.

Broncos 30 Ravens 14

Packers – Niners after the jump

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Russia over USA………Really Ilya?


Wrong flag Kovy

Going into the 2011-12 NHL season things weren’t looking great for the New Jersey Devils. Like many people who follow the Devils I was concerned they’d do their standard solid regular season then duck out in the playoffs like they’d done for the past six seasons. There were many, many questions:

  • Is this Marty’s last ride?
  • Is Zach going to re-sign once the season ends or ditch the Devils for milllllllions of dollars?
  • Will Travis Zajac ever play?
  • Can I name a single defensemen they have?
  • Is this new coach Pete DeBoer an NHL head coach or is it just a front for him being a serial killer? (Still think he is a serial killer, guy is really creepy…and never blinks)
  • But the main question was always, Is this goddamn Russian guy the Devils are paying $101 million going to lead us to a Cup?

All those questions going into the year really made me think the Devils were going to sink really, really quickly.

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From Russia With Love: The 5 Best Things to Come Out of the NHL Lockout


KOVY CHECK

I woke up this morning feeling pretty depressed about year 7 of SEC football domination, but this headline brought me right back: Source: KHL Could Keep Kovalchuk. Three days into the return of the 2013 NHL season and the hated NJ Devils may not return their best player. This is probably wishful thinking right now- the NHL and the KHL have an internal agreement to release all NHL players from the KHL after ratification of the new CBA, but while most players are returning home, Kovalchuk played for his KHL team on Tuesday (yes, in the future).This will be interesting to follow, but it got me thinking: what other good things have come out of the Lockout?

As always, your unbiased, objective analysis:

The Five Best Things to Come from the NHL Lockout

Eli Stupid Face

This is how it felt watching the Giants this year

5- It’s Easier to Forget About the Giants Dropping a Steaming Turd on Each and Every Fan

Look, you can’t win every year unless you’re Lance Armstrong on steroids, but is it too much to ask you to not rip my heart out with a spoon? The season lacked luster, but it doesn’t feel like too long ago that the Giants had strong control of their own destiny. The NFL scheduling gods didn’t do us any favors towards the end of the year, and that’s no excuse, but mixed in with a little of Eli’s patented “pretend apathy,” and a nonexistent pass rush, it was the formula for a piss poor finish to the football season. A couple of great Super Bowl wins made it easy to forget the mind-numbing torture usually instituted by the Giants; this season helped us remember. At least the NHL is back to help us forget again. Let’s hope this doesn’t become a trend.

 

Referee Brothers moves to break up New York Knicks' Anthony and Boston Celtics' Garnett as they argue during their NBA basketball game in New York 4- The Knicks are Better than Decent

Now, there is your sports fan that likes, or even loves hockey (like me), and there is your rabid hockey fan who sleeps with his skates on and drinks ice shavings out of a Tim Horton’s cup (like Daftpuck); number 4 does not apply to the later. But to everyone else we realized something: we could survive without hockey. Yes, life is much better drinking Molsons and watching King Henrik win Vezinas, but with the Knicks rolling this season my world didn’t collapse. The season still hasn’t hit the All-Star Break, and the Knicks are 5-5 in their last ten games due to some growing and injury pains, so this would be higher on my list if it were April, but for right now I’ll take it. Amare seems to be accepting his reduced role- which is the key to whether the Knicks could be just good or actually become great. Melo is getting fired up and starting fights with old curmudgeons like KG. Its going to be fun to see how this season plays out.

3- Ilya Kovulchuk Wants to Stay Home and Marty Brodeur is Old

We already talked about Kovulchuk, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t the best news I’ve heard in a long time. I was already excited that Marty is so old- I mean come on, this has to be the year he starts sucking, right??? This just takes it to a whole ‘nother level. The Devils could go from Stanley Cup to missing the playoffs in under a year. It sucks when the Giants do it, but this will make up for it.

2- The NY Rangers Could Keep Their Young Core Together Ryan McDonagh Check NJ Devil

The debate over the NHL salary cap meant a lot more for the NY Rangers than for most other teams. If the owners got what they wanted the cap would have been around 60 million, but the players stood strong and got their number- 64.3 million. The Rangers already have almost 52 million of that committed, and with the remainder would be faced with the daunting task of resigning Derek Stepan and Ryan McDonagh without enough money. With an extra 4.3 million to play with, the Rangers might keep their core of young talent intact.

1- The Rangers are the Clear-cut Stanley Cup Favorites

They knocked on the door last year, but their smash-mouth style sputtered out towards the end of the year. This year gives us a 50 or 48 game season- either way short enough for Hank and his crew to bully their way to the Stanley Cup Championship. Plus, they added Rich Nash in the offseason, one of the game’s top ten scorers, without giving up too much (Anisimov was good but it’s called a trade, they couldn’t get him for free). The Rangers were so close last year, but their bruising style wore them out, plus they were just a few goals too short. A shorter season will keep Hank fresh for the playoffs, keep the defensemen blocking shots late into June, and the addition of Nash could be just enough to get a few more pucks in the back of the net. Thanks to the NHL Lockout were going to spend the end of June in the Canyon of Heroes.

 

 

 

 

About Everett Golson


I’m not going to sit here and lament the refs for blowing two calls on Notre Dame’s first possession that changed the pace of the game.

I’m not going to sit here and lament how a team that finished it’s season on November 24th has to wait until January 7th to play it’s final game.

I’m not going to sit here and lament how AJ McCarron is going to be a fantastic backup one day in the NFL.

No, I’m just going to sit here and say what I’ve been saying all year: Everett Golson is a horrible quarterback. Not a bad one. Not OK. Horrible. At no time last night was there ever a moment where I said to myself, “It’s OK, Golson will figure out a way to get downfield.” Yes, he was able to lead his team almost every week and sure they went undefeated. Did we have an easy schedule? Everett Golson was our quarterback all  year, and we had yet to lose a game. So yeah, we had an easy schedule.

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We’re Getting the Band Back Together


We're on a mission from god.

We’re on a mission from god.

 

For some reason the beer flowed extra strong on Friday, Glory Days was bumping over the bar speakers, and the brain trust inner circle of 90on95 decided to get back together (and no, the word brain should have no association with any of us). The whole thing reminded me of Bruce Springsteen singing about that guy who used to be able to throw that fastball by you. But, the next morning I woke up to this prediction by TimmyP, and god damn did he hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t help but think that this dog could still hunt. The wheels started spinning a little bit, and here we are, getting the band back together.

It’s been about a year since I’ve even thought about posting anything (I was riding a one-year high from predicting Eli’s second Super Bowl party) and I’ve felt pretty good about predicting within two points of the second happiest sports result of my life. Anyway, like Jordan wearing the 45 (mainly just because I suck at baseball), it’s time to dust-off the old keyboard and get back to talking about the funny, odd moments of sports.

We’re not on a mission backed by god to save the Catholic orphanage from foreclosure, but we can still manage to piss off and piss on everyone from the Good Ole Boys to the Illinois Nazi Party by bringing you all the sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington.

Hit it

ROLL TIDE


After reading that the great Joseph Auger actually thinks that the shitty Notre Dame Fighting Irish  have a chance tonight I figured I’d throw my two cents in. Fair warning I haven’t written more than 2 paragraphs in about a year so there’s a 97.2% chance this is real messy…Like this picture…

Tell me this doesn’t make you feel confident in Alabama

I’d love to see Notre Dame win this game. It would be a cute cinderella story, I fucking hate Alabama and most importantly I would love nothing more than to see Nick Saban really disappointed. I’ll never forget that Nick Saban absolutely raped my beloved Dolphins by attempting to be an NFL coach for two god awful seasons. Saban then decided to bolt for Bama where he turned them into an absolute powerhouse. Cool Nick, thanks.

As far as this game goes I think Alabama has an advantage in every aspect. Alabama has been here before and Notre Dame is relatively new to the whole “being good” thing. This is their first time being decent since 2006 when the great fat wonder known as Charlie Weis led them to a 10-3 record. Since that season they’ve gone….3-9…7-6…6-6…8-5…8-5. Really, really mediocre. Alabama meanwhile has gone 55-12 in the past 5 seasons. Sure Notre Dame went 12-0 this season but they beat at best 2 good teams, Stanford at home and an incredibly mediocre Oklahoma team. They also nearly lost to Pittsburgh and Purdue, teams which Alabama would probably beat by 30.

Despite all the hype about Notre Dame, Albama should win pretty easily. They have a better offense than Notre Dame has seen all year and have faced a much tougher schedule. Their only loss came to the great Johnny Football and their only other real close games came against a really good Georgia team and LSU both teams who would easily beat Notre Dame as well. Their only like opponent was Michigan who they both beat, Notre Dame 13-6 and Alabama 41-14. My only real fear of this game is that A. Manti Te’o is an absolute freak who could easily kill an Alabama player and that B. AJ McCarron cried after beating LSU.

Not the most confident face I’ve ever seen

 While a lot of people are picking Notre Dame I just really don’t see it. I guess people like being trendy. Alabama has more experience and an absolute freak one-two punch at running back with Lacey and Yeldon, I think they will go crazy especially Yeldon who is an absolute machine. Notre Dame’s only real strength is their defense, but going against an offensive line like Alabama’s is going to be a challenge.

Well I’m going to go paint an elephant on my tits, Roll Tide!

Prediction:
Alabama (-9) 24
Notre Dame 13

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