I had weird feelings going on yesterday watching the Phillies game on ESPN. For as long as I can remember I hated Luis Castillo. Deep down hate. There were many reasons for this hate. Exhibit one is that at one point in his career he was nasty. In 2000 for the Marlins he hit .334 with 62 steals and along with Juan Pierre use to drive the Phillies nuts. Then he drifted away to the American League and eh I didn’t have a hatred towards him. Then in 2008 he joined the dark side and quickly was back towards the top of my hatred list. Obviously he sucked for the Mets, but he made up for it by skipping a mandatory team visit to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. In which he dropped this doozy of a quote,
“You see people with no legs and with no arms, being in a hospital like that, I don’t like to see that”
So now Luis may be the Phillies opening day second basemen and do I hate him? Fuck no of course I don’t, hell if he hits anything over .275 and makes some decent defensive plays he’ll be a hit in Philly. And I guess that’s what is great about sports one year you’re in love with a guy, think he has a sexy beard, a cannon of a right arm, and you know that he’ll single handely win your team 6-7 games in a year (cough…Jayson Werth…cough) and then next year well he’s gone and you don’t love him at all any more. So with that in mind I give you the top 11 (Yeah 11, I forgot some one. Sorry it’s not a nice round number) current MLB players you are required to hate/boo loudly in order to be a Phillies fan for the 2011 season.
11. Brian Wilson, San Fransico Giants
– Striking out Ryan Howard looking on a borderline cutter, and the retirement of Billy Wagner quickly makes him the most hated closer in the MLB for Philly fans. While I will admit he is comedic gold, his gay execution thing he does when he gets a save is embarrassing.
With Beard: Badass. Without Beard: Gay.
10. C.C. Sabathia, New York Yankees
– He’s fat. Very fat. Even if he gave up Captain Crunch, he’s still fat. The Phillies made C.C. their bitch during the 2008 NLDS when Shane-O popped the grand slam off him, then a year later C.C. returned the favor winning a World Series for the evil empire.
9. Larry Jones, Atlanta Braves
– The story is always the same with good old Chipper. He’ll hit .300 this year. But he’ll only play in 85 games. He’s old and has been playing one of the most demanding positions in baseball since 1993, so enjoy doing the “Larry” chants because come next year the player who year after year wins the “gayest nickname ever” award will be out huntin’.
8. J.D. Drew, Boston Red Sox
– I know this is very low on the list, but he too is old and is just plain terrible now. But still we need not forget his scumminess of the 1997 draft where he wouldn’t sign with us unless he was getting $10 million. He’s greedy, lazy, unmotivated and now he just sucks, so in a way I guess we should thank him for not signing a mega-deal with us.
7. Mike Pelfrey, New York Mets
– The first of the Mets on the list is just a goofy hack. He’s 43-41 in his career with a 4.31 ERA, the definition of mediocre. Oh and by the way he’s the Mets opening day starter! Think he’ll have a special edition opening day mouth piece? Let’s Go Mets!
Hi, I'm The Mets Ace
6. Scott Rolen, Cincinnati Reds
– Yup I’m becoming soft. Putting Scotty this far down on the list is painful. But again with age comes forgiveness? Eh kinda. The “I don’t want to play on Astroturf” excuse for leaving Philly is something which Scotty Boy will never live down. He’s old and like Chipper and J.D. probably won’t break the 100 game mark this upcoming season, but hopefully he’ll make it to at least one game at the best ballpark in baseball where he can feel the green grass under his toes and obviously he will be greeted warmly, as always.
Over/Under on How Many Times Larry Called Scotty A Pussy?
5. Alex Roidriguez..I mean Rodriguez, New York Yankees
– He talks like a fairy, slapped a man in the arm while running to first base, cheated on his wife with prostitutes, hooked up with Madonna, got fed popcorn during the Super Bowl by the UGLY “cocking traveling” Cameron Diaz, oh and he did steroids so all of his records/achievements are shady now.
I'm Just Experimenting Guys!!!
4. Carlos Beltran, New York Mets
– Oh Carlos. You predict the Mets are the team to beat in the east in 2008, and the Phillies win the World Series. You made striking out looking to end the NLCS cool in 06′ wayyyy before Ryan Howard did it. Oh and your cocky, overpaid, overrated, and have the ugliest mole ever seen by human eyes. Boom, Roasted.
3 & 2. The Gay Couple, Jose Reyes & David Wright, New York Mets
– One can’t speak english. One does gay porn with the Situation. Go Mets!
Boys Night Out!
1. Jayson Werth, Washington Nationals
– We all loved him the past few seasons. Sure he had a terrible swing and pulled off every away pitch terribly, but hell he dropped some bombs. He had a sweet beard, loved the fans in right field and seemed like a cool dude. However he was weird. He never talked to reporters about his personal life, hired scumbag Scott Boras as his agent, then it happened. $126 million. Did he want to leave the Phillies? Obviously not. Who in their right mind would want to play for the Nationals? Then he is quoted as saying he hates the Phillies. Definitely tongue n cheek, but his jealousy is oozing. Werth had some great years in Philly but he’s a dope. He could have taken an ad out in the paper like Pat did or done something cool to say thanks. Instead he bolted for money without a kiss good-bye, and Philly won’t forget that.
I'm Amazed He Grew Facial Hair