Hey Baseball…..Suck it
Rich Dubee is a lucky S.O.B. He has the job of managing 4 of the best pitchers in the game and one of the best #5 starters in history. He basically is being paid this year to watch artwork on the bump at CBP. Don’t get me wrong, hes one of the best pitching coaches in the game, having helped Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt develop a changeup that makes them even more lethal (most thought this to be impossible). His one tough job this year will be doing his best with a makeshift bullpen while Closer Brad Lidge recovers from his annual arm injury. Life is good in the bullpen down at the Bank, Life is good.
#1 Roy Halladay
BEST. PITCHER. IN. BASEBALL. This guy threw a perfect game on May 29th,2010 Vs. the Fish in South Florida on a night where there might have been about 11,000 fans maximum there. He threw a No-Hitter against the Reds in his first playoff appearance (while I was in attendance no less). He had 9 complete games, 4 of which were shutouts, threw 250 innings, had 219 Strikeouts, and most amazingly of all…..30 FUCKING WALKS. Oh yeah and he finished 21-10 and won the NL Cy Young award his first year in the league. Not only is he the most dominant guy in the league, he’s probably the best teammate the Phillies have had in a long time. After he threw his perfect game he had 40 watches each personally engraved at a value of $6,000 each given to all his teammates and members of the staff. You know what they said? “We did this together. Congratulations.” Just recently he gave Chooch an exact replica of the Cy Young award he won because he said he could have never done it without him. My personal favorite moment of the year though was when he pulled his groin in the NLCS against the Giants and still dominated them with about 60% of his physical ability. Last year was just the beginning, the NL better look the fuck out
Captain Dans Predictions*
(I don’t need those fuckhead ESPN analysts messing with my head)
23-9 2.45 ERA 10 CG’s 3 SO 211 K’s 34 BB’s
#2 Cliff Lee
Ahhhh the glory of December 16th 2010. The day that people all over the Delaware Valley had dreamt about for a solid year. I have never seen such a public outcry from the trade of an athlete in my entire life. This is the guy that slapped around the Yanks in the 2009 WS all while doing it with the intensity of a fly fisherman. When Cliff is on, just give up because you aren’t going to touch it. With 3 fastballs that he can deploy to either side of the plate with different action on all of them, he could beat you just throwing heat (and he usually does). Then he will go and drop in a knuckle-curve (Tim McCarver calls this the spiked curve…he is a jackass) on you that will brown your trousers. Cliff loved his time in Philly so much that he decided to come back for less money even after we traded him away. That sure as hell says something about the team, fan base, and the city. And the fact that he didn’t want to play with this douche probably had a little something to do with it.
Captain Dans Predicitons
22-11 2.23 ERA 7 CG’s 5 SO 222 k’s 20 BB’s
#3 Roy Oswalt
Before he got traded last year Lil’ Roy was a little hesitant about coming to play in Philly. Thought it might be a little too intense for him and he would have rather gone to a town like St. Louis where they are all pussies and cheer like parents when their kid grounds out to the pitcher ( “Good Job honey keep trying hard!”). We don’t roll like that in Philly, and he knew it. But when he finally got here he figured out what our squad was all about. Winning. Roy turned his season around going 7-1 with his only loss coming in his first start against the Nats in Washington about 50 minutes after he got off the plane. Roy probably has the best fastball on the team and is a bulldog on the mound. He will bear down and K the side with the bases loaded just to prove a point. How does he complement that high cheese? With a 62 mph curveball that will make you look like a confused senior citizen. It seems the move to Philly has rejuvenated his career and he also will look to have a major impact this year.
Captain Dan’s Predictions
18-11 3.32 ERA 2CG’s 1 SO 205 K’s 70 BB’s
#4 Cole Hamels
Our 2008 NLCS MVP, 2008 WS MVP has had his share of trials and tribulations in his brief time in Philadelphia. He followed up a 2008 season in which people though he was the next coming of Steve Carlton, with a 2009 that he genuinely seemed disinterested in. Im blaming this completely on his wife who is in the top five smoke show WAGS in the game. If my wife was that hot there is no fucking way im looking at scouting reports. ANYWAYS, Cole has had himself quite resurgence with the addition of the cut fastball to his repertoire. By not relying so heavily on his changeup, he not only can confuse hitters better but he doesn’t feel like he has to strike every batter out. If the Phil’s can manage to give him any run support at all there is no way he’s not the greatest number 4 pitcher in league history.
Captain Dan’s Predictions
20-12 2.96 ERA 4 CG’s 2 SO 217 K’s 65 BB’s
#5 Country Joe Blanton
Say what you will about our # 5 Ace. He may have the worst mechanics I have ever seen, he may give up a first inning HR in just about every game, he may not get past the 6th inning. But guess what sports fans? He’s our number 5 starter. Read that again. Remember when Omar Daal was our #1? Joe has done an admirable job in his tenure here, and while he is definitely overpaid, he is also a major reason we won the WS in 2008. So I will forever hold a soft spot for him (I mean the guy hit a fucking dinger, C’MON!). I wouldn’t be surprised to see Joe come out of the shoot a little rusty but you can be damn sure by about mid June he will play himself into shape and will continue to be a solid second half pitcher which he has been his entire career.
Captain Dans Preditions
16-13 4.52 ERA 0 CG 171 K’s 100 BB’s
Danys Baez RHP
UGGHHHH get out of my face Danys. I would rather have Joan Baez out there. Hopefully he can rebound from a terrible first season in Philly with something that doesn’t make me want to choke on my Schmitter.
David Herndon RHP
Solid sinkerballer who usually is reserved for mop up duty. Could make for an interesting situational guy if he can have command of all of his pitches and cuts down on the walks. Has the most closely manicured facial hair I have ever seen.
Kyle Kendrick RHP
In short, I hate you Kyle. I have seen you pitch far too many times in my life and have needed a minimum of 12 Budweiser aluminum’s to keep my sanity. Hopefully you can turn that weak ass sinker into something effective in small doses. God I hope you get sent down to Triple A.
Antonio Bastardo LHP
Tony the Bastard had a solid debut for the Phil’s but was quickly sidelined with some arm trouble. He has some serious velocity that could be quite useful coming from the left side out of the pen in certain situations. He could develop into something more if his confidence is up, which in spring training was not. Hopefully he can learn a thing or two from J.C on how to effectively grab your dick on the mound to calm himself down.
J.C Romero LHP
We cut J.C, then we signed him again for much cheaper. Win-Win if you ask me. J.C can be an extremely effective reliever coming out of the pen, especially given the fact that every team in the league seemingly has a lights out left hander. If J.C Can muster enough magic from all of his testicle touching this season we could see a repeat of his 2008 season in which he was the winning pitcher in two of the WS games.
Ryan Madson RHP
Awesome setup guy, terrible closer. He is the perfect guy to come in the 8th inning to blow some 97 mph heat by you to settle things down. Hopefully he won’t kick any chairs this year and he can be with us for the entire season.
Jose Contrearas RHP/Closer
The big truck will be handling closer duties until Lidge comes back and has shown that he has the moxie. A hulking ¾ delivery combined with a fastball in the mid 90’s can be extremely effective. Most importantly though the guy doesn’t seem to be shook by anything. I mean he did escape persecution from Cuba and had to hide for his life so that might have something to do with it. Anyways the 9th inning may be a little more settled than were used too with Jose back there.
The Phillies pitching staff will be one for the records books this year. They will easily lead the league in complete games, strikeouts, K/BB ratio as well as wins. While the bullpen will be a weak point to some, I have more than enough confidence in the guys in there to get the job done. Well except for you Kyle.