90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

For God and For Country

Like most Americans outside of New England, I’m facing a bit of a conundrum in these Stanley Cup Finals. I hate the Vancouver Canucks because of their division rivalry (and complete owning) of my favorite squad, the Colorado Avalanche. But on the flip side, I hate the Boston Bruins because I was raised by a Montreal fan, and frankly I enjoy not paying rent and eating dinner for free. But it’s the Finals, and someones going to win, so I might as well pick a side. For me, when it comes to deciding between two teams I normally would rather see file for Chapter 11, the process is very simple: Who better represents America?

My answer, after the jump.

Now the easy solution would be to just root for the Bruins and call it a day. After all, it doesn’t get more homegrown than a team residing in Boston, one of the birthplaces of this country. But if you examine the Bruins roster a little bit more closely, you’ll notice some discrepancies. Starting at head coach, we’ve got a French Canadian in Claude Julien. The only way he could be more unAmerican is if he shit free oil. Making our way down the roster there is a trend amongst most of the players: Born in Canada. In fact, 22 players on the roster (not all dressed, mind you) are from the Great White North. That leaves 7 players of differing nationality. Two Americans (one who doesn’t dress), a Finn, and even a German. Let’s not forget about the three Czechoslovakians who round out the defense.  Seriously, does Zdeno Chara seem like the kind of name that screams “America”?

More like "next Rocky villian"

Also, do not be fooled by the Boston fan at the bar who will go at lengths to tell you how you should be rooting for Boston because their goalie is American and played for the Olympic squad two years ago. (Also, don’t take him up on his offer to buy you a beer. No one should ever have to drink a Sam Adams.) When the 2014 games come around, Tim Thomas will be 40 years old, and will not be on the Olympic roster. We have our goalie, and his name is Ryan Miller. Instead, counter that argument by saying that if you’re rooting for the Vancouver Canucks, you are rooting for the future of American hockey: Ryan Kesler.

One of the best players on this Vancouver team, Ryan Kesler is hidden in the Pacific Northwest. Guy had 41 goals last year. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If Kesler was on any team in America, he would be a household name. Dude just oozes America from his pores. He’s a grinder with a flashy style, and he’s not afraid to get dirty for his team. You may not know who he is now, but when 2014 comes around and Team USA is making a romper stomp through Socchi, Russia, everyone will know who Captain Kesler is. (If he isn’t captain of the 2014 USA team, I will eat my hat. I was going to burn it anyways. WOLSKI!!!!) But why stop there. There are 4 other Americans on this Vancouver team (that’s 5 total.) They all play regularly, except for the backup goalie Cory Schneider, who many NHL experts believe is ready to carry his own team (which may or may not have a giant “A” on it’s sweater. Come on Sherman, we have 2 top 12 picks in the draft let’s get a fucking goalie.) Even if only Kesler and Schneider end up making that 2014 squad, winning the Cup is going to help prepare them for winning the Olympic Gold. So you’ve got 5 young American players in their prime for Vancouver, while Boston has a dying star. Also in abundance on the Vancouver roster: Swedes.

These are the twins that play for Vancouver, right?

So there you have it folks. You’ve got a pretty Canadian team in the Boston Bruins. You’ve got a team full of up and coming American all-stars (and twins!) in Vancouver. I shouldn’t have to make this choice for you.

Plus Vancouver is going to win in 5, so why not jump on the right bandwagon, right?


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