David Tyree Hates Your Gay Wedding

JAZZ HANDS!

Anyone paying attention to the news knows that New York recently approved a same-sex marraige bill. All of the major pundits are weighing in, and you’re bound to hear lot’s of opinions and thoughts from lots of experts. But who the fuck wants to listen to them when some washed up NFL “star” can give you the straight facts. Give me a new meaning for the term “helmet grab”, CNN:

Former New York Giants receiver David Tyree’s celebrated catch in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XLII was pivotal to his team’s victory. Now out of football, he is trying to claim a last-minute win over another foe — same-sex marriage.

The bill’s passage would “be the beginning of our country sliding toward … anarchy,” he said (via CNN)

Yeah, if gays could get married in New York State, that would be the beginning of the end. I’ve seen a bum take a shit in a subway station, a guy getting a Beej on a street corner, and I’ve had an old man try to grope me on a subway car. Something tells me the State of New York is going to be OK.

More from the Giant receiver, after the jump.

“Marriage is the only relationship that actually mirrors the relationship with God,” he said.

He also argued that same-sex parents are ill-equipped to raise a child of the opposite sex.

“You can’t teach something that you don’t have,” Tyree said in the video. “So two men will never be able to teach a woman how to be a woman.”

Then married couples shouldn’t be able to raise puppies and kittens, is that what you’re saying, Tyree? Because if that’s what you’re saying, you can get the hell out.

In all seriousness, David Tyree is an ex-crack head, so take everything he says with a grain of salt. Or a grain of crack. David Tyree would want it that way.

EDIT: The article linked above actually doesn’t say Tyree smoked crack, just drugs. I apologize to David Tyree. The article that forwarded me to that page said something about crack so I ran with it. Because if I’ve learned anything from David Tyree, it’s that you take that crack and you run.