Guess how many times I've fallen off the wagon today.
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between a good hitter and a great hitter? Why is Ryan Howard a better hitter than Garret Jones? How do guys like Derek Jeter and Ichiro continue to keep the hits comming? Bat speed? Practice? Patience? Another question? Should have just asked Texas Ranger outfielder Josh Hamilton, bro.
When it comes to hitting, it’s been night and day for Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton this season — and the reigning American League MVP has a theory as to why.
He has blue eyes.
You just know he would have been batting clean up for the Berlin Bombers.
Under the sun, Hamilton’s numbers are dim. He is batting .122 (6-for-49) with no home runs, four RBIs and eight walks. He also has 17 strikeouts and a .429 OPS.
At night, it’s a different story. Hamilton is hitting .374 (41-for-109) with six home runs, 28 RBIs, seven walks and a 1.076 OPS. And he only has 14 strikeouts while playing under the lights.
“It’s just hard for me to see [at the plate] in the daytime,” Hamilton said. “It’s just what it is. Try to go up [to the plate] squinting and see a white ball while the sun is shining right off the plate, you know, and beaming right up in your face.”
It’s not because you’re hungover, right Josh?
But Josh, how did you go about drawing your theory? Surely, you read a report in some well respected science journal or saw a doctor who mentioned it to you.
“I ask guys all the time,” Hamilton told ESPN 103.3 FM’s Bryan Dolgin when asked if he had any theories to his drastic splits. “Guys with blue eyes, brown eyes, whatever … and guys with blue eyes have a tough time.”
I really hope this theory catches on and produces some sort of Billy Beane “Moneyball” type incident. Scouts will start dismissing players based on eye colors. “He may have lightning speed, but God dammit, he’s got two different color eyes Hal! You want someone like him on this team. There are no halfsies on the New York Yankees. Hold on, my cell is ringing. Speak of the devil. Yes, hello Derek”
Anyways, I’m not sure if Hamilton’s theory holds true because I’ve got chestnut brown eyes and I can’t hit a baseball for the life of me. But I think what we can all agree on, no matter the eye color, we are all good at getting piss drunk, taking our shirt off and letting fully clothed women spray whipped cream on ourselves.