"I will run to Philly if it means i dont have to play with Jason Bay"
The Philadelphia Phillies are in dire need of an offensive boost. They barely made it out alive in last nights game against the Cubs, and only won because of the late inning heroics of Chase Utley and Michael Martinez. Rumors have been circulating for weeks about whether or not they need to trade for someone or to just go with what they have and hope for the best. The most recent story is that the Phil’s seem to covet Carlos Beltran. This makes me hopeful and queasy the same time. Beltran has long been on my list of least favorite baseball players of all time. It didn’t help the fact that he played for the Mets, tried to talk shit to the Phillies claiming that they were in fact the “team to beat”, or that absolutely disgusting mole that he has on the side of his head. I’m going to try and break down all the positives and negatives this signing would have on the Phillies for you, and I will do my best to be civil.
–Dude is actually playing well this year. After having off season knee surgery by someone the Mets didn’t recommend(probably best career decision he ever made), it seems like Carlos has a little spring in his step and some pop in his bat. He has 30 doubles and 14 HR’s as well as 59 RBI’s. This would significantly reduce the pressure on the other Phillies sluggers to produce. As we all know, having a switch hitting, slugging outfielder has its advantages.
–He is in a contract year. Last time Carlos was in a contract year he was on the Astros and hit 8 HR’s and had 14 RBI’s in the postseason. The Phillies do have a tendency to go through stretches of baseball where it seems like they are holding the bat upside down, and to have a proven playoff performer on the roster would almost make me forget about most of the crap he did in the past. ALMOST
-Jesus just look at that thing! It makes me wish i had some battery acid to pour into my eyes. This guys is so friggin rich he could buy an island with speaking monkeys but he can get that fucking thing removed! Uhhhhh i just threw up in my mouth.
–He skipped out on the Wounded Soldier hospital visit. This automatically puts him on my “If i see this person I will kick them in the nuts repeatedly” list. Other members include: Glenn Beck, Donald Trump, anybody that tells me the new BON IVER cd is good, Cody Ross, Nancy Pelosi (ill aim for her uterus), Nancy Grace(Ill definitely aim for her nuts) Sidney Crosy, Sean Avery as well as many others depending on the day.
–Carlos Beltran’s Wife
My god is that just Carlos dressed up in drag?!?! We can be having Mrs. Beltran hanging around the likes of Heidi Hamels and Jen Utley. Hotties roll in packs, and we do not need bizzaro Carlos trying to give the fine Phillie wives fashion tips.
So in conclusion, I would love to have Carlo’s bat, glove, production, and clutch performing in our lineup. If only that person wasn’t Carlos Beltran.