Well I’m 1-0 straight up and 1-0 against the spread (barely)…. I should just quit now because it’s only going go downhill from here. Then again I am pretty damn smart so we could be looking at a perfect season…ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
Of course anything is, c'mon KG
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens (-1.5)
Running the ball, nasty defense, Ray Lewis yelling, quarterbacks raping women, all of these terms come to mind when you think Steelers-Ravens. Expect much of the same (maybe minus the raping of women, although watch out Polamalu you never know) from these two rivals. The Ravens did a bit of a makeover bringing in 20 new players. The Steelers are the same old Steelers and with Big Ben under center have beaten the Ravens seven straight times. No reason for that to change. Steelers 23 Ravens 17
Detroit Lions vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1.5)
Is the world ending? People actually think the Detroit Lions are going to be a good team? Eh I’m kinda on the kool-aid. They remind me a bit of the Bucs from last year. As long as Stafford stays healthy he has the weapons to make the lions..yes the Detroit football Lions…a very dangerous team. Lions 28 Bucs 20
Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) vs. Chicago Bears
Chicago Bear fans…Your Fucked! Lance Briggs/Matt Forte are unhappy and want out. Oh and your QB, who was unhappy with the world to begin with, decided to break up with this piece.
Not a smart move. I sure as hell wouldn’t want a man running my football team that would pass on that. So Chicago Bear fans brace yourselves I see a long season ahead. Oh and another reason to be miserable…It’s always goddamn freezing there. Falcons 28 Bears 10
Buffalo Bills vs. Kansas City Chiefs (-6)
I have Dwayne Bowe in a league…..Only reason I care about this game. Chiefs 24 Bills 20
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans (-8.5)
Sooooooo your going from a QB whose career highlights/awards take up nearly the entire right side of Wikipedia to a QB who when searched on google images has this pop up:
For the first time since 1998 the Colts start a game without Peyton Manning. It’s a scary thought for Colts fans as well NFL fans as Peyton will go down as one of the greatest QB’s we’ll ever see in our lifetime. The Texans have their own questions about Arian Foster, but a Peytonless Colts will struggle mightily. Texans 24 Colts 13
Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5) vs. St. Louis Rams
There’s a strong chance I just post this every week for my Eagles pick. I mean it’s not in the playbook, but it should be.
Eagles 35 Rams 20
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns (-6.5)
A redhead rookie QB??? Poor Bengals fans. Ochocinco probably took one look at Andy Daulton and said..”Damn boy God done fucked up on you”. The Bengals have potential to win absolutely zero games, which isn’t something you usually strive towards. The Browns will be their normal mediocre selves with potential for a few upsets if Peyton Hillis’ body doesn’t combust. Browns 31 Bengals 10
Tennessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (-2)
Yuck. Early candidate for the ugly game of the year award. The 5,000 people who attend this game will want to strangle themselves by the end of the 1st quarter and at least one fan will jump off the concourse after a scoreless first half in which Luke McCown throws four interceptions #boldtimparkerprediction Titans 13 Jaguars 10
New York Giants (-3) vs. Washington Redskins
NY Giants = Worst offseason in NFL history? Plaxico goes to the other NY team. Osi freaks out. Kevin Boss goes to Oakland. Steve Smith signs with their biggest rival. Their biggest offseason signing was David Baas….WHO THE FUCK IS HE??? And as always Tom Coghlin is old. Really old. Que the Vaseline face!
He's on a quick path to looking like Al Davis
Then the Redskins fans say, “hey wait a second are off-season is worse we have Rex Grossman battling John Beck for our starting quarterback job”. Point taken. Giants 20 Redskins 13
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardinals (-7)
Slllllllam Newton! Eh nevermind. Kevin Kolb. Side note..Has there ever been a matchup between two more opposite QB’s? Kolb is the definition of a hick while Scam Newton is a thuggish as they come. I’ll take the hick. Cardinals 23 Panthers 17
Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers (-5.5)
How is it that Tavaris Jackson and Alex Smith are still starting in the NFL? There are some horrific quarterbacks that are starting in week one, but this matchup may take the cake. 49ers 30 Seahawks 17
Minnesota Vikings vs. San Diego Chargers (-8.5)
The Chargers lost a decent amount of players to free agency, but back is Phil Rivers, Vincent Jackson and Ryan Matthews has a year under his belt. A lot of people are picking the Chargers to be a Super Bowl contender and I don’t disagree. Their defense is going to be much improved as long as Bob Sanders is healthy. But that’s like saying the Mets could win a World Series if any one of their players stays healthy….Not happening.
The Vikings are an interesting team going into this season. They have lots of pieces, but it all revolves around Donovan McNabb. If he’s successful then you can expect a huge season from AP and Percy Harvin. If he’s the McNabb of recent…Good luck. Chargers 28 Vikings 16
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Jets
Let’s Go Get A Goddamn Snack. LGGAGS. Damn I missed Hard Knocks this year. Jets 29 Cowboys 14
New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins (+7)
Tits will be ripped. Patriots 37 Dolphins 17
Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos (-3)
I love the Raiders. Al Davis is still alive…or I should say his corpse is still being presented in public. And with that the Raiders keep rolling again taking weird players with their draft picks and making horrific ownership decisions. However they do have a couple good pieces in McFadden, Boss, McClain and both their safeties Huff and Branch. It’ll be interesting to see if they actually do anything this year. But god I do miss JaMarcus Russell so here’s a few great photoshops of my boy. Raiders 28 Broncos 20