90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

NFL Picks: Week 2

Tom Brady is a decent quarterback. 517 yards? Goddamn. I can barely do that in Madden. As I sat at the bar Monday night watching Tom filet the Dolphins horrific defense it dawned on me around my 15th beer that he’s the best quarterback I’ll ever see in my lifetime. He’s an 8th of the way to 4,000 yards already.  In one game. One fucking game. Three Super Bowl wins. Two Super Bowl MVPs. Six Pro Bowls. Oh, and he’s only 34 so he’ll be around a few more years. Anyway a lot of stuff happened in Week one, but that performance deserved it’s own little intro paragraph. At least we can still make fun of him for this:

However Tom also gets this each night. He wins.

Week Two Picks after the jump.

Week 1 Record
Straight up: 10-6
Spread: 7-7-2

Chicago Bears (+6.5) New Orleans Saints

The Bears murdered Matty Ice in week one and completely shut down the Falcons running game. In week one the Saints struggled running the ball and their defense looked like they were too busy staring into Aaron Rodgers beautiful blue eyes. The Saints are a good team and I think they’ll bounce back in another tight one. Saints 27 Bears 20

Kansas City Chiefs (+9) Detroit Lions

Yikes. Poor Chiefs fans. Last year they were a bit of a cinderella story  and after a week one loss against the Bills it feels as if they are going to go 0-16. The loss of Eric Berry who was on his way to being an absolute monster really hurts. Now they travel to the fired up Lions who feel as if they are going to be realllll good. WHOLE LOTTA MEGATRON. Lions 30 Chiefs 13

Jacksonville Jaguars (+9) New York Jets

Uh. Luke McCown versus Jets defense? Hehe. Jets 24 Jaguars 7

Side note….Let it be known I hate the fucking Jets. They got a gift wrapped win from the Cowboys. There’s no way around it. And on top of that…this is your fucking QB. They are Super Bowl favorite…with this. Honestly?

Oakland Raiders (+3) Buffalo Bills

Oh boy. Look down the road I can see it now. Bills. Raiders. Campbell. Fitzpatrick. It’s the AFC Championship on CBS! Both are 1-0 after upset wins however can we honestly see the Bills and Raiders being good? Who the hell knows, but I’ll say no. Bills 20 Raiders 13

Arizona Cardinals (+3.5) Washington Redskins

So wait I just wrote the exact same thing, but for the AFC. Same rules apply. Skins 24 Cardinals 17

Baltimore Ravens (-6) Tennessee Titans

How the hell are the Ravens only six point favorites????? Matt Hasselbeck is like 52 years old. Coming off a huge opening win against the Steelers there is absolutely zero chance of them letting down against a weak Titans team. Quick tangent. How the hell do you only give Chris Johnson nine carries????? I don’t care if he practiced once since the end of last year, get my man with crazy teeth the rock. Ravens 31 Titans 14

Seattle Seahawks (+14) Pittsburgh Steelers

See above..Except the Steelers lost and are fucking furious. Steelers 27 Seahawks 3

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) Carolina Panthers

So this guy is going to be the new face of the NFL. Great role model. Scam Newton went nuts against that vaunted horrific defense of the Cardinals so let’s get off his dick for the time being it may have been a fluke. Sure he was nasty in week one, but I may have been able to do well against that defense. He may be in for a rude awakening when the Packers come the town. At least he is bringing a little life to Carolina. I think he’s gonna give the Pack a scare. Packers 30 Panthers 24

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3) Minnesota Vikings

Black Quarterbacks! Yay! Bucs 23 Vikings 13

Cleveland Browns (-2) Indianapolis Colts

In the past 10 years would you ever even question who is going to win this game? In the past this was like the ultimate no brainer game. Take Peyton Manning and replace him with the drunk and it no becomes and complete mind fuck of a game. I think Peyton Hillis will run wild in this one and that Kerry Collins will continue to be….Kerry Collins. Browns 31 Colts 20

Dallas Cowboys (-3) San Francisco 49ers

How can a guy look phenomenal for three quarters and then all of a sudden just completely blow up and make two horrific plays when it really matters? IF Romo laid down instead of trying to superman on his 3rd and goal scamper the Cowboys would be 1-0 right now. I’ll never figure him out, but goddamn I’d want to rip his head off if I was a Cowboys fan. He’ll avenge himself and everyone will love him again. Cowboys 24 49ers 14

Houston Texans (-3) Miami Dolphins

Remember that time you threw for 417 yards, lost, and then Tim Parker said eh you played a crappy game. Yup Chad Henne that’s right I said it. He played hard as hell had lots of great throws, but also missed two EASY touchdown passes that could have won the Dolphins the game. They didn’t run the ball well and couldn’t do anything to stop Brady. Yeah the Texans looked phenomenal against a shitty Colts team, but the Dolphins cut Benny Sapp who was responsible for 498 of Tom Brady’s bagillion yards…(Not actual numbers, but it felt that way). Dolphins 24 Texans 21

As if being a Dolphins fan wasn't embarrassing enough.

San Diego Chargers (+7) New England Patriots

Fuck you Tom Brady. I wrote that little intro paragraph three days ago and my hatred is back. However, he may throw for another 500 this weekend. Pats 34 Chargers 20 

Cincinnati Bengals (+3.5) Denver Broncos

Poor Kyle Orton. He had about 4 milliseconds to pass every time he dropped back yet he gets a lot of the blame for the Broncos loss to the Raiders. They couldn’t run and their defense struggled to stop McFadden. I think Orton will bounce back and Andy Daulton and/or Bruce Gradkowski are going to struggle with the loud Denver crowd. But the Broncos are kinda brutal. Broncos 21 Bengals 20

Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) Atlanta Falcons

Eagles 34 Falcons 30

St. Louis Rams (+5.5) New York Giants


Giants 27 Rams 23

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