Am I ever going to get over the Phillies losing? Honestly, it’s been a week and Im still ready to jump off of a fucking cliff. I’ll have more on that when I finally gather my thoughts…..or I may kill myself and you’ll never get my season wrap up on the Phillies. Here’s week 6. To follow up on my anger towards the world I will continue themed picking. This week will be: player that may possibly be dead…in fantasy football terms. but maybe life as well.
Straight up: 8-5
Straight up: 52-25
Jacksonville (+12) Pittsburgh
Steelers are banged up once again, but it feels as if they are always banged up. The Jaguars on the other hand? Who knows what they are doing. If you ask 20 random people I bet 15 of them would have absolutely no clue who their starting QB is. Well Mr. Gabbert you’ve faced zero good defenses this season (sans mop up duty agains the Jets…..and a DECENT defense of the Bengals) and now you get the Steelers in Pittsburgh? Yikes. Steelers 30 Jags 10
Player who may be dead: Rashard Mendenhall. Coming out of college this kid looked like a monster. Now? He looks like a 60 year old man who can’t walk straight. Yeah I have him on my fantasy team and yeah I’m salty.
St. Louis (+14) Green Bay
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Watch out for the steamroll St. Louis. Are the Packers ever going to lose? Their defense isn’t as good as the Pats was in 08′, but Aaron Rodgers is an absolute freak right now. Very Tom Brady-ish. I’d be surprised if they didn’t run the table for quite some time. Packers 39 Rams 14
Player who may be dead: Sam Bradford. He was a “sexy” “sneaky” fantasy pick this year. But ummmm he has 3 TD’s in 4 games. And has no wide receivers what so ever.
Buffalo (+3) NY Giants
People still love the Bills. I’m sure they’ll win again this week against the “You never know what fucking team is going to show up” New York Giants. The Bills magic HAS to run out. I can’t keep living in this bizarro world where the Bills, Lions, and 49ers are good teams. I just can’t take it. Giants 27 Bills 17
Player who may be dead: Mario Manningham. I remember when he was at Michigan I thought….damnnnnnn boy. Not in a gay way, but in a hmm your pretty good kid. Well that hasn’t really panned out.
Carolina (+4.5) Atlanta
SCAM NEWTON. This is his week. Watch out. Panthers 34 Falcons 30
Player who may be dead: Matt Ryan. I think a lineman may break through one day and just rip his skeleton out of his body. Their offense line is horrendous.
San Francisco (+4) Detroit
The matchup of the century!!!! How the hell did this happen?!?!! I’m actually excited to watch this game. There I said it. Gotta give credit to Alex Smith. He’s taken a lot of heat since being the number pick of the 04 draft, and rightfully so. However, this year he’s finally put it together and has the fans believing. The lions are good. and are going to be good for a while. Stafford, Johnson, Best, Fairley, Suh. Those five are going to be the faces of the NFL for the next 5 years and they play on the Lions. THE DETROIT LIONS. Funky. 49ers 21 Lions 20
Player who may be dead: No one! Happy times in both these cities.
Philadelphia (-3) Washington
Oh boy. Poor Eagles fans. What the hell else can you do but fire your coaches? You have a dream team! A team made of dreams. So if I dream about a team I dream of the Eagles? Interesting thoughts to ponder. I never got the whole dream team motto. I’d rather say I have a nasty as fuck team. Sounds much cooler then…Dream team. Think about how much better the headlines would read. Vick. Maclin. Samuel. Asmdgmohmga. The Eagles have formed a nasty as fuck team. I dunno, rolls off the tongue much nicer. Eagles 27 Skins 20
Player/coach who may be dead: Any and all Eagles coaches. How the hell do they have jobs still? No explanation needed, they need to rearrange some furniture of the titanic.
Indianapolis (+7) Cincinnati
Yawn. Side note on the Colts. Lets say they get the first pick. You need to take Andrew Luck or you’d be an idiot. If he’s as good as advertised…which he will be…The Colts could have another 15ish years of having a top tierQB. That’s roughly 30 years in a row of having a top 3 QB in the league. Scary. Bengals 24 Colts 23
Player who may be dead: Reggie Wayne. Think he misses Peyton? A bit? A little bit?
Houston (+7.5) Baltimore
No Andre Johnson makes for some saaaaad fans down in Texas. Hey at least Houstonians (correct? who knows) don’t need to root for the Oilers anymore. Remember how ugly those uniforms were???? Ravens 28 Texans 13
Player who may be dead: Texans fans. Arian Foster was out for a while. Then Andre Johnson went down. Now Mario Williams is out for the year. Yikes.
Cleveland (+6.5) Oakland
The Raiders are kind of living in bizarro world. They could very easily be 4-1 and with the news that Al Davis has died they are a team who are playing with a lot of heart. I’ll add them to the “this team has sucked for as long as I’ve been alive, but are doing kind of well right now”. Raiders 20 Cleveland 14
Player who may be dead: Peyton Hillis. Remember when he was a nobody on the Broncos? Then he got traded to Cleveland turned on beast mode and is now IMO the biggest, scariest white man in sports.
Dallas (+7) New England
Oh hi Tom. Patriots 42 Cowboys 20
Player/owner who may be dead: Jerry Jones. Number one pick in the NFL owner death pool!
New Orleans (-4.5) Tampa Bay
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Tampa just got beat by 4 bagillion points. It could be verrrrry similar this week. That’s a lot of m’s and r’s I just wrote, but I needed to get my point across. Saints 38 Bucs 14
Player who may be dead: Legarrette Blount. It’s only a matter of time until he murders another player on the field.
Minnesota (+3) Chicago
Can Jay Cutler blow up already??? Please? First he breaks up with an absolute bombshell shortly after being engaged. Then he started playing quarterback. And now it seems as if he gets hit every single time he drops back. Poor Jay. Jared Allen 3 sacks I’m calling it. Vikings 28 Bears 20
Player who may be dead: Jay Cutler. Who else?
Miami (+7) NY Jets
Baseball. Soon. Please god. Jets 23 Dolphins 17
Player/fan who may be dead: Tim Parker. I don’t think I can watch much more of the Dolphins. This sucks. I hate sports.