Straight up: 10-3
Straight up: 62-28
Denver (+1.5) Miami
In his first career NFL start Tim Tebow gets a home game? Now that just isn’t fair. People are gonna be gator chompin’ real hard down in Miami because no one gives a fuck about the Dolphins. Side note, can we lose every game so I get to watch Andrew Luck for the next 15 years and at least feel for a second that the Dolphins are going to be good? Broncos 22 Dolphins 13
Now if that isn't the saddest Dolphin you've seen all week then you spend far too much time searching for sad dolphin pictures
Chicago (+1) Tampa Bay
Jay Culter is the best at fake losing. He always looks miserable even when his team is winning…When he was ripping the Vikings tits off last week he looked like someone had just shot his puppy dog. I love it. Love the strategy. Bears 24 Bucs 13
Houston (+3) Tennessee
Still no Andre Johnson=no bueno for Houstoners. Titans 24 Texans 17
San Diego (-2) NY Jets
THIS IS YOUR QUARTERBACK.
But in all seriousness that man is really an NFL quarterback. Poor Jets fans. They beat the Dolphins Monday night and they act like the apocalypse is off forever. Well it will come, unlesssss they win this week. Which they will in upset fashion with their gay QB at the helm. Jets 23 Go Chargers Go 14
Seattle (+3) Cleveland
What a miserable game. But hey at least I don’t look like a Walrus. Although if I did grow a mustache like that it may be a closer comparison. #depressingfatjoke Browns 21 Seahawks 20
Washington (+2.5) Carolina
Wait, wait, wait. John Beck. THE John Beck is a starting quarterback in the NFL? I remember when the Dolphins drafted him. He was going to be a monster. Then he got out played by…….Cleo Lemon!!! The 2007 Dolphins has 12 passing touchdowns. Total. For a season. 1 season. 12 Tds. Sorry skins fans but once again ya’ll are fucked. Panthers 17 Skins 10
Atlanta (+3.5) Detroit
Atlanta is good. Detroit is bad. That’s been the motto for quite some time, but the times are changing. The Falcons are still a good team though and looks like they may be putting it together. Falcons 31 Lions 20
Kansas City (+5) Oakland
Carson Palmer????For two first round picks????? He Lives.
Chiefs 21 Raiders 13
Pittsburgh (-4) Arizona
Recent Super Bowl rematch numero uno. Lets take a quick look at whats happened since Super Bowl 43.
- Ben Roethlisberger raped some bitches. Note. I feel as if that’s the only funny way to talk about rape. It’s a bit of a serious subject so saying woman makes it bland. Bitches=A little chuckle out of me.
- Kurt Warner retired. He was like 56 years old. But more importantly let’s take a look at his prize for being a stud…
Kurt's wife during his time with the Rams in late 90's.
Kurt's wife during his time with the Cardinals.....Hmmmmmm
I still don’t believe that is the woman in both those pictures. Ah the wonders of money and a touch of plastic. Anyway Kevin Kolb sucks as nearly everyone predicted. He’ll continue to suck. Steelers 20 Cardinals 10
St. Louis (+13) Dallas
My survivor pick for the week, so I’m sure Dallas will fuck up since they actually looked decent in New England last week. Cowboys 30 Rams 10
Green Bay (-9) Minnesota
The battle of the whitest of white quarterbacks!!!!!!!!!! I just traded Aaron Rodgers in one of my fantasy leagues, so please jesus make him throw 12 picks. Packers 43 Vikings 17
Indianapolis (+13.5) New Orleans
Super Bowl rematch number 2. What has changed?
- Peyton Manning may be dead.
- Drew Brees got that funk removed from his face.
Saints 24 Colts 17
Baltimore (-8) Jacksonville
That man murdered a human……. I wouldn’t want to play against him. Ravens 33 Jags 7