NFL Picks: Week 8

Week 7
Straight up: 11-2
Spread: 8-4-1

Season
Straight up: 73-30
Spread: 51-46-6

Indianapolis (+9) Tennessee

Both these teams suck. The Colts may not win a game this year and I’m pretty sure Chris Johnson has been replaced by a manikin who just falls forward for two yards whenever they give it the ball. At least he still has fantastic golden teeth. Titans 20 Colts 14

New Orleans (-13.5) St. Louis

The Saints looked pretttttty,pretty good last week following a blowup loss against the Bucs. The Rams? They’re fucked. I’ll be betting my soul on the Saints. Saints 42 Rams 14

Minnesota (+3) Carolina

Hi, my name is Cam Newton. I stole laptops in college and now I'm the new face of the NFL!

Eh, who gives a fuck about a couple swiped macbook pros, Scam is a monster. It’ll be interesting to see how Ponder does against a mediocre defense because he looked pretty strong against a good Packers defense until a couple brutal throws. Vikings 23 Panthers 20

Arizona (+13) Baltimore

Ummmmm…WTF? How in the world did Baltimore only score seven points? For as scary as Ray Lewis is, Joe Flacco isn’t. He just seems like the kind of person that would sit there and whimper if you told him he sucks and that he shouldn’t be an NFL quarterback. Also, Ray Rice? 8 carries? Yikes. I think they’ll turn things around against a horrific Cardinals team, but if they don’t there is going to be a whole lot of panic in crab cake land. Ravens 40 Cardinals 13

Jacksonville (+9.5) Houston

I don’t know what to say. Jacksonville spooks me a little. Houston better not pull a Baltimore. Texans 34 Jaguars 10

Washington (+6) Buffalo

Fred Jackson aka my new running back in fantasy…..Go wild young buck. Side note, how does this man still have a job?

No Daniel, you are not cool. at all.

if I were a Redskins fan??? Holy crap I would murder someone to get this man fired. I’d list all of the questionable moves he has made in his tenure, but I’d be here for at least a week and it would take you two days to read them all, but when John Beck is your quarterback??? Well your fucked. Redskins 30 Bills 10

Miami (+10) NY Giants

“Suck For Luck” I don’t need to say more. Giants 28 Dolphins 17

Odds of Tony wearing his sunglasses when he gets fired? 2/1. VERY generous

Detroit (-3) Denver

Hey Tim Tebow. Fuck yourself. #loveBitterAsHellFinsFan Lets see how he does against a real defense. Lions 24 Broncos 7

New England (-3) Pittsburgh

Hey Tom Brady. Fuck yourself. #justbecauseyourgood. Side note, based on these pictures who do you think will win the game?

VERSUS

That picture will never get old. Patriots 30 Steelers 20

Cleveland (+9) San Francisco

Sooooo San Fran is coming off a bye. Cleveland scored like 4 points against the Seahawks (okay, okay it was 6, but it felt like less). Look out. 49ers 29 Browns 10

Cincinnati (-3) Seattle

See above. If Jesus plays QB for Seattle again, it could be a shutout. Bengals 24 Seahawks 3

Dallas (+3.5) Philadelphia

Never forget how amazing the Mike Vick photoshopped pictures are.

Eagles are going to implode this week. Cowboys 24 Eagles 17

San Diego (-4) Kansas City

Who the hell knows what is going to happen on MNF. After last week I give up. Chargers 29 Chiefs 20