90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

Monthly Archives: November 2011

NFL Picks: Week 12


No more turkey until next year. I am still disappointed with my performance, only two plates? Really Tim? Ugh. On to the picks.

Buffalo (+9.5) NY Jets

I blew up and picked the Jets in survivor this week which means there’s a 98% chance they lose. If Mark Sanchez throws another pick he should be taken out behind the barn. I hate him. However, the Bills are a train wreck and with Freddy Jax dead they don’t have a prayer against a pissed off Jets team. Jets 23 Bills 13

Cleveland (+7.5) Cincinnati

::insert weekly why the hell did I draft Peyton Hillis saying here:: Bengals 27 Browns 10

Carolina (-3.5) Indianapolis

Cam Newton really doesn’t like losing. He had a great quote about his thoughts on the Lions game.

“I think we put on a clinic on how to lose a game”

Now if that doesn’t seem like an upset/confused man then I don’t know what does. Welcome to the NFL Cammy, you don’t get to play Youngstown State anymore, every game in the NFL is tough….. Unless your playing the Colts. Panthers 34 Colts 13

Minnesota (+9.5) Atlanta

It’s getting real close to Sunday, speed picks!!! Falcons 24 Vikings 10

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Turkey Day Picks


All I care about on Thanksgiving……

Eating an insane amount of food.

Drinking a couple aka a lot of these puppies.

Obviously the best part of Thanksgiving is sleeping like a baby which usually happens about 40 minutes after finishing dinner. 10 Budweisers and 4 plates of stuffing/turkey make it physically impossible for me to stay awake. Okay I’m talking about my sleeping habits now so things are starting to go downhill, here’s the picks.

Last Week
Spread: 7-5-2
Straight up: 10-4

Season
Spread: 78-73-9
Straight up: 106-54

Green Bay (-6) Detroit

Last year the score of this game was 7-3. 10 points. Put your hands in front of your face, stretch out all your fingers and your two thumbs and that is the total amount of points they scored. If that happens again I’ll forever quit watching sports because that game just doesn’t make sense to me. My only explanation to the game last year is that Aaron Rodgers had a few too many Gin N Tonics and he was a touch hungover.  Packers 27 Lions 20

Miami (+7) Dallas

Heyyyyyyyy Dol-fans. So the Dolphins are all of a sudden a good team? I have a weird feeling the Dolphins are going to lose by 36 points this weekend since that’s what I’ve come to expect, but I also feel the Dolphins defense is finally back to where I thought it would be at the start of the season. They haven’t given up a touch down since October 30th. Granted, they played against Kansas City, Washington, and Buffalo, not exactly three power houses, but still, I’m intrigued by what’s going on. The Cowboys are horrific against the spread, but on Thanksgiving they are always good. The Cowboys always burn me and I’m sure they’ll manage to do so again. The bigger question is will Tim Parker make it to the end of the 3rd quarter? This game starts at 4:15 which is right around the time the Parker family sits down to dinner. If I don’t fall asleep somewhere around the 7 minute mark of the 3rd I’ll be amazed. Dolphins 21 Cowboys 13

San Francsico (+3) Baltimore

These teams are pretty much identical. They both are coached by guys named Harbaugh, they both rely on defense and being really careful on offense. The difference is that San Francisco always covers the spread. They are 9-0-1 ATS this season. That’s good. Real good. The only way they’ll lose this game is if Alex Smith blows up. So far he’s been great this season and hasn’t screwed up any games. Who knows when he will, but I think he’ll manage the game well against the Ray Lewis-less Ravens. If I were a betting man (which I am) this one has tight game written all over it. 49ers 20 Ravens 16

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches.

NFL Picks: Week 11


Due to large gambling losses thanks to bettr.com and the great town of Atlantic City, these picks are gonna be quickies, because I officially have no clue what I’m doing when it comes to betting on sporting events.

Last Week
Spread:  6-10
Straight up: 6-10

Season
Spread: 71-68-7
Straight up: 96-50

NY Jets (-6) Denver

Once again, this is your quarterback New York Jets fans. After losing all my bets because of Marky Marky I looked at this picture and realized how retarded I was to trust this man. Jets 23 Broncos 10

Cincinnati (+7) Baltimore

No Ray Lewis!!!!?!!?!?! The Ravens without Ray Lewis feels realllllll weird. I don’t trust em. Bengals 24 Ravens 18

Oakland (PK) Minnesota

Old shitty QB versus young shitty QB. No Run DMC makes me a bit nervous, but they did look decent against the Chargers and have had a lot of time off while Minnesota is coming off a short week after a brutal tit ripping against the Pack. Raiders 32 Vikings 17

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Thursday Power Rankings


1. Occupy Wall Street

Say what you will about the demonstrations, but this shit is getting ridiculous. The other night the NYPD acted like a Cobra splinter group and shut down the protests in Zuccotti Park over night while the media slept. Now the protesters are finally taking to the streets en masse, and are hoping to march across the Brooklyn Bridge. This is your chance cops! Blow the bridge when they reach Brooklyn and we’ll be rid of all the protesters and hipsters!

2. Jonathon Papelbon

Signed by the Phillies this past week, Jonathon Papelbon met with the media for the first time in (red) pinstripes. He spoke little of his time with the Red Sox, instead focusing his attention to his upcoming tenure with the Phils. The only way I could hate the Phillies any more would be if they were to trade for Chipper Jones. This team is going to be good this year.  Like, make it past the first round of the playoffs good.

3. PLAYOFF BASEBALL!!!!

The MLB, always the most resilient league when it comes to rule changes, will be expanding it’s number of playoffs teams from 8 to 10, by adding a wild card team to each League. Aww, I’m sure that has nothing to do with both the very popular (and very marketable) Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves narrowly missing the postseason this year in favor of the niche teams (RE: unmarketable) Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals. No, nothing at all.

music, the Rags, and an awesome dress, after the jump. Read more of this post

Papelbon………….I think I like it…Actually, I have no choice but to like it


After talking with/reading Captain Dan’s post I figured I needed to throw my two cents in on the signing of Papelbon. I’m still not over the loss against the Cardinals, nor will I be until the first pitch of 2012 is thrown. However, this signing has made get over the loss….for at least couple of days. Here are my feelings/questions that ran through my mind when I heard the news.

– Thought Number 1: FUCK!!!!!! MADSON WAS CHEAPER!!!!!!

True. Can’t argue that the Phillies overpaid for Papelbon. It’s hard to justify paying over $50 million for a guy who wont pitch more than 90 innings in any of the 4/5 seasons that he plays for the Phillies. However, RAJ is paying for the best. Mariano Rivera only has a couple of years left at the most and who else has had the success Papelbon has had? If you ask ANYONE who they think the top three closers in baseball are right now, 97% of them will say Mariano Rivera, Jonathan Papelbon..then they’ll go..ummm…uhhhh. (Insert Heath Bell, Neftali Feliz, Brian Wilson, Joakim Soria, “sexy” closer of the month). Point is, Papelbon is proven. When you think the best you think him or Rivera….not Ryan Madson.

– Follow up thought on the last sentence: BUT MADSON HAS BEEN ON THE PHILLIES FOREVER!!!!! HE WAS NASTY THE PAST TWO YEARS!!!

Once again, true. It will be very weird not having Ryan Madson on the Phillies since he has been on the team for the past 9 years. But once again with this new winning mentality that has taken over Philadelphia, we want and have been getting “The Best” players in baseball. Could Ryan Madson be better over the next four years? Possibly. Both players will be 31 going into next season, but again I throw around the PROVEN word. I’ll take the guy who’s been closing for six years versus the guy who’s been doing it for under a year.

– Thought Number 2: PAPELBON IS A DICK. DOUCHE. FAG. ::INSERT ANY DEROGATORY TERM I USE TO CALL PAPELBON FOR THE PAST SIX SEASONS RIGHT HERE::

Pictue Evidence Below.

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Phils Sign Papelbon


I should be excited I guess.  We locked up one of the best closers in the game to a long term contract basically for the same amount that we paid Brad Lidge to rehab his shoulder/knee/elbow/ego the last three years.  Ruben and the rest of the front office basically decided that they were not going to pay close to 50 million dollars to Ryan Madson to become the closer, based on less than one solid year of doing the job.  While Madson was tremendous this year, he doesnt have the history that Papelbon has, and when you are shelling out 50 million to someone, it better be a sure thing.

Ok...maybe i could root for this guy

I have to say this one is a little tough to swallow for me.  Madson was easily one of my favorites on this team.  I got an opportunity to go to spring training this year and sat in the berm in the outfield near the Phillies bullpen.  He was in there cracking jokes, signing autographs and basically being the all around good guy that everyone had grown to love over the course of his career in Philly.  Not that this helped him win games, but its always nice to have someone on your team who is a nasty reliever and good person to boot.  I will always remember the 2008 run to the title when he seemingly gained about 5mph on his fastball.  He was the bridge to Lidge and he did a damn good job of it.  His new found dominance was one of the key aspects to why the Phils won it all that year.

Now I have to root for a guy that i made a living making fun of for about 5 years.  I hated the stupid dance he did in the World Series.  I hated “Shippin up to Boston.”  I hated how long it took for him to throw a pitch.  I loved when he blew the Red Sox season this year.

I can only hope he has the right frame of mind to change his entrance song.  Which is about 50% of the reason i either like a closer or hate him.  One of Madson’s weaknesses was his entrance music of “Dont Stop Believin” by Journey, which was corny as hell.  Lidge had some crazy heavy metal which is par for the course in the world of closers.  I have a few suggestions for Jonathan that may help him endear himself to the Philly Faithful.

Suggestions after the Jump

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NFL Picks: Week 10


Week 9
Spread: 8-6
Straight up: 8-6

Season
Spread: 65-58-7
Straight up: 90-40

In honor (or dishonor?) of Jerry Sandusky this week’s picks will include a “most likely to pull a Sandusky” because I love spotting a child predator. Fucked up? You bet. Inappropriate and too soon? Damn straight. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.   

Oakland (+7) San Diego

I’ll take Philip Rivers over Carson Palmer any day of the week. Even if he really, really sucks there is no way that he can suck as much as Carson Palmer. Let the suck fest begin. Chargers 34 Raiders 20.
Most likely to pull a Sandusky? Al Davis. Even though he’s dead I’m sure he still haunts little boys. He defined creepy.

New Orleans (PK) Atlanta

New Orleans SUCKS at home. That’s what I’m basing my pick on. That and the fact that Julio Jones is a MAN. Falcons 29 Saints 25.
Most likely to pull a Sandusky? Arthur Blank. The Falcons owner has always been kind of weird to looking to me. That and he REALLY loved Mike Vick.

Think he knew about Mikey Vick's puppy killing??

Detroit (+3) Chicago

Interesting game for both teams. Chicago has been very hot lately and is coming off a huge win on Monday night against the Dream Team Eagles. The Lions are coming off a bye and are getting healthier. Bears 24 Lions 18.
Most likely to pull a Sandusky? Calvin Johnson. What little kid doesn’t love…

Megatron!

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The Shit List


So I haven’t been doing a whole lot of blogging recently for a few reasons.  One being that my soul is still crushed from the Phillies losing to the Cardinals in the playoffs.  Yeah I know it was over a month ago, but to be honest with you its going to continue to piss me off until A. I either die or B. the Phillies win the World Series very soon.  So being the depressed curmudgeon that I am nowadays, I am going to debut a new series of posts that are sure to remind you just how much things suck.

 

1.The Eagles

It happens every year.  Team starts slow, people want Andy Reid fired, Jon Gruden’s name keeps popping up.  Then they go on a little run, start playing tough, hard nosed football and win some big games in December.  They do just enough to suck you back onto that bandwagon.  Then you know what happens?  The playoffs come and Andy inexplicably forgets how to use timeouts/challenges, starts busting out his idiotic repertoire of trick plays, and looks as confused as Jerry Sandusky in his mug shot.  You know what Andy!? Not this year!  ::checks Eagles schedule….realizes we could win our next 5 games….starts crying::

 

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Thursday Power Rankings


Jerry Sandusky just missed the cut!

1. The New Penn State Coach

While the news of Joe Paterno’s immediate firing may have been a shock to some of you, especially some of you older folks, it looks like the Nittany Lions vacant coaching position just became the most coveted seat in sports. If your idea of a coveted seat is the pilot’s in a crashing jet plane. Let’s fire off a quick round of potential applicants:

  • Roman Polanski – He is an Oscar winning director so he can handle the leadership the head coaching job demands. Also he’s been accused of raping 12 year old girls, which should hopefully knock that “homo” tag Penn State has hanging over their heads.
  • Graham James – He was the former Junior Coach (think Canada’s college hockey, with less books and more pussy. Considerably less books. Like, none.) of Theo Fleury who taught Theo how to score at a young age. Hockey ain’t football, but most 10 year old’s assholes are in the same place.
  • Pete Carroll – Fuck you, Pete.

2. The Philadelphia Flyers

Not necessarily because of the results they’ve been getting, but the way they handled Tampa Bay’s trap defense was pure comedy. Rather than attack the 1-3-1 Devil’s-esque neutral zone trap, the Flyers were content at staying back behind their blue line, goading the Bolts and showing the Tampa crowd just how boring hockey can be!

God dammit guys, this is why were aren’t on ESPN!

3. Jorge Posada

Posada has finally seen the light, and will no longer be a member of the New York Yankees. That probably also means he won’t be a member of Major League Baseball. No one is going to pay for garbage player like that, are they? ::debates between throwing up picture of NY Mets logo or Chicago Cubs, remembers favorite team will soon be called Miami Marlins and is interviewing Jose Reyes, weeps::

music, Alison Brie, and (attempted) humor, after the jump. Read more of this post

In Defense Of Joe Paterno


I don't know where I am!

Now, I shouldn’t have to say this, but people are stupid: In no way is this a defense of Jerry Sandusky, or anyone else involved in the Penn State sexual abuse allegations. This opinion refers to Joe Paterno and only Joe Paterno.

This Penn State sexual abuse scandal is really starting to heat up, and amongst all the accusations and blame being thrown around, the institution known as Joe Paterno has been asked to step down from his head coaching job. It’s been stated before, in front of Grand Jury’s, that Paterno heard about one of the incidents in 2002 and he went to his higher ups and made the allegation known. Now, let’s forget that Jerry Sandusky had been accused multiple times before, and that Paterno knew nothing of that. After calling his higher ups and washing his hands of the situation, Paterno went back to coaching football and being a curmudgeon. Fast forward to today, and people are calling for Paterno’s head, as if he was some sort of locker room pimp. They are citing that he didn’t do enough with the knowledge he had, and that he should have contacted authorities, and not Penn State personal.

The defense of Joe Paterno, after the jump. Read more of this post

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