I’m back from my vacation, so here are the top things going on in the world, RIGHT NOW!
1. Kris Humphries
You have probably heard by now that Kris and Kim Kardashian are getting a divorce. Much hoopla is being made over the fact that Kim made money off the whole wedding thing, to the tune of nearly 18 million dollars. But let’s take a minute and think about how this effects Kris. By California law, when you divorce, everything gets split 50/50, so Kris is going to make some cash when this is all over, a la Kevin Federline. Let’s remember that the NBA is in a lockout, so Mr. Humphries wasn’t going to be making any money this year. So now, not only did he get to have sex with Kim before she got fat, he also got paid to do it. Seriously, she will be gross in 5 years. Three years ago you would have killed for that ass, and in a few years that ass will literally kill small children who aren’t fast enough to escape her looming shadow. (Also I’m not researching anything that has to do with Kim Kardashian or Kris Humphries, so none of this may be true.)
2. Theo Epstein
Gotta admit this dude is probably living the life right now. Yesterday he fired the Cubs manager and there is already rumors that Terry Francona may get the new job. If Theo Epstein can even get the Cubs into the playoffs in the next few years this can be considered a success. Hate him or loathe him, you can’t say that Epstein hasn’t had an enviable career. Two World Series titles in Boston, where he literally changed how they looked at baseball (woe is me turned into wicked AL contender), and now he has the potential to do that to another winning starved market. Oh and he’s not even 40.
3. Mayweather vs. Pacquio
This fight may finally be happening. As an aside, I was recently on a cruise to Bermuda, and about 75% of the staff was Phillipino. I ended up talking to this bartender at the whiskey bar, and we chatted about boxing for a good while. It’s amazing how much they love Manny Pacquio out there. The only equivalent would be if we could somehow morph Barack Obama, Derek Jeter, and Leonardo Dicaprio together. Or maybe Tom Hanks. A young Tom Hanks. Or Clooney.
ScarJo, lounge music, and Sean Avery, after the jump
This has been a huge year for Batman, and it’s only just begun. First, DC Comics rebooted almost all their famous comic series early this fall, and Detective Comics (featuring Batman) and Batman have quickly become two of my favorite books. (Also Aquaman, The Flash, and Justice League. Yeah, I’m a nerd, deal with it! ::reaches for inhaler, see’s Jenny Matthews prettiest girl in class, quietly pisses pants::) He just had a new game come out, Arkham City, which is getting rave reviews and I’m going to pick it up literally following posting this article and ZOMG guys I’m fucking pumped. And his new movie this summer is going to rock your face off. Hell yeah Batman.
5. Richard Cheese
Some of you guys may recognize this guys voice from his “Down With The Sickness” cover featured in Zack Snyder’s “Dawn of the Dead” remake. (And if you have a vagina and any of that made sense to you, I would love to buy you a fish sandwich.) Any ways I’ve always been a sucker for lounge music and cover songs, so here ya go!
True story: Freshman year of college there was a girl that used to sing this song all the time, and it was clear she was sorta into me. Fast forward a year and she ends up throwing me a beej complete with the whole taste testing and I never really talked to her after that, and that was dick. Sorry Bree!
6. Sean Avery
After a disappointing start to the season that saw him getting sent to the AHL to play for the Connecticut Whale, that New York Rangers have decided to bring up the former Vogue intern. Avery
should be able to start for the Rags tonigh scratch that looks like he won’t play, and I expect him to bring a much needed spark to the team. I may not always like Sean Avery, but the kid does play hard and gets results. Expect him to have to work his way up from the 4th line.
7. Conan O’Brien
The late night talk show host is back in New York City this week taping shows, and it’s a must watch for anyone like myself who used to love staying up until 1:30 in the morning watching “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.” While his new show on TBS isn’t exactly a carbon copy, these episodes at NYC have been hilarious. So Google them, I told you I’m getting Arkham City after this, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to do the work for you.
8. Scarlett Johansson
ScarJo may have been smoking a joint on the set of her new movie and that’s it for me guys, I’m in love. Oh also, naked pictures! I can’t post them, so I guess you’ll have to settle for one of her with barely any clothes on. I blame the 1%.
Get your shit together, bro.
I was a pirate.