Is football almost over? My team sucks. I suck at picking. My fantasy teams? Yup they all fucking suck. In my eyes football is dead to me. I’m just going to start betting a lot, losing a lot, and hating football even more. Here’s the worst picks you’ll see all week.
Straight up: 9-4
Straight up: 82-34
San Francisco (-3.5) Washington
Can San Francisco play a real team? Every week I want to bet against them, but they keep getting to play shitty teams. Granted they did beat the Lions and Eagles, but besides that it has been easy west coasting for the Niners. But wait this week they are facing John Beck! John Beck is a stud! Can I fly to Vegas and bet a bagillion dollars that he throws under 1.5 TD’s? 49ers 36 Redskins 13
NY Jets (+2) Buffalo
Love the Jets here. Wait, did I really just say that? Once again, fuck you football. Jets 20 Bills 17
Seattle (+11.5) Dallas
I thought the Cowboys were going to win last week……hahahahahhaaha. If they fuck this one up they are on the infamous “I’ll never pick them again” list. Cowboys 23 Seahawks 7
Miami (+4) Kansas City
Tremendous #suckforluck effort last week boys. Keep it up. Chiefs 27 Dolphins 10
Tampa Bay (+8.5) New Orleans
Well New Orleans I didn’t know Steven Jackson was going to go all SJax circa a couple years ago on you guys. Back when he was on my fantasy team like 3 years ago I also thought he looked/played like this man from Lord of the Rings.
I thought that man was dead, but he reappeared against the Saints and made me feel like a retard. Thanks Orc. Saints 24 Bucs 13
Cleveland (+11) Houston
Where are all the Madden curse junkies??? I drafted Peyton thinking he’d at least be half the beast he was last year. Thanks John Madden. Texans 33 Browns 14
Atlanta (-7) Indianapolis
Imagine if there was a scandal and they found out that Matt Ryan also ran a dog fighting operation? I think it would give him a little edginess. And since he’s white he would only get a slap on the wrist! Win-win if your a falcons fan. Falcons 23 Colts 10
He's too white.....disregard that last paragraph.
Denver (+8) Oakland
Over/under has to be around 15 for interceptions thrown by both QB’s. Raiders 13 Broncos 10
Cincinnati (+3) Tennessee
Chris Johnson has gold teeth as seen below.
You know who else has gold teeth????
Yep. Tennessee fans, you can officially be in panic mode about your bagillion dollar running back. Bengals 24 Titans 23
Green Bay (-5.5) San Diego
Poor, poor, poor Philip Rivers. If he handles that snap they kick the field goal, win the game and are well on their way to winning another division. Instead he screws up and they are in a whole lot of trouble. Now they get the Packers coming off a bye. Yikes. Packers 40 Chargers 23
NY Giants (+9) New England
Love the Giants in this game. I think they are one of the few teams that can replicate the Steelers game plan from last week. Their D-Line is strong and played very, very well against the Dolphins. Their passing game also was very locked in last week. But wait they were playing my Dolphins so let’s get off their dicks for a moment. Their running game has been atrocious and if they need to bank on Jacobs running the ball they could be in trouble. Their secondary also has been a bit suspect, but I think they are going to keep it very close and may pull off a big upset. I mean come on this guy is at the helm!
Who wouldn’t be confident with him? Patriots 28 Giants 21
St. Louis (+3) Arizona
If Sam Bradford doesn’t play….this has potential to go down as the ugliest game ever played. Unless this man shows up again. Rams 23 Cardinals 16
Baltimore (+3) Pittsburgh
If Baltimore wins this game I give up. They have looked horrendous against two of the shittiest teams in football. Now they play the Steelers so they’ll probably step up and play them tough. Reason number 2943958259239 why I want football to end. Steelers 29 Ravens 14
Chicago (+7.5) Philadelphia
It’s back!!!! It should be the Shady McCoy experience video, but no one has made that on youtube yet. If I could, I would. Eagles 34 Bears 14