The Shit List
November 10, 2011
Posted by on
So I haven’t been doing a whole lot of blogging recently for a few reasons. One being that my soul is still crushed from the Phillies losing to the Cardinals in the playoffs. Yeah I know it was over a month ago, but to be honest with you its going to continue to piss me off until A. I either die or B. the Phillies win the World Series very soon. So being the depressed curmudgeon that I am nowadays, I am going to debut a new series of posts that are sure to remind you just how much things suck.
It happens every year. Team starts slow, people want Andy Reid fired, Jon Gruden’s name keeps popping up. Then they go on a little run, start playing tough, hard nosed football and win some big games in December. They do just enough to suck you back onto that bandwagon. Then you know what happens? The playoffs come and Andy inexplicably forgets how to use timeouts/challenges, starts busting out his idiotic repertoire of trick plays, and looks as confused as Jerry Sandusky in his mug shot. You know what Andy!? Not this year! ::checks Eagles schedule….realizes we could win our next 5 games….starts crying::
"What did i do?"
2. Penn State
To be honest, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about what happens to Joe Paterno. I don’t care if you donated millions to your school, won a shitload of games and made the school what it is today. You protected a monster of a human being who was preying on little children then raping them in the showers. Put them all in jail.
3. The Oscars
No I don’t watch the Oscars, never have, probably never will. Although when I heard that Eddie Murphy was hosting I was intrigued for a few reasons. Firstly, Eddie Murphy hasn’t been funny since Beverly Hills Cop2, and I was curious how he would do making fun of his celebrity counterparts. Secondly, this was a man who, as Bill Simmons chronicled, was one of the funniest men on the planet in the early 80’s. My dad always used to tell me how funny he was, and I would be like “The guy from fucking Dr. Dolittle?” Then he showed me “Trading Places” which may be one of the top 5 funniest movies of all time. Then I youtubed his comedy specials. I literally was on the verge of ruining my favorite pair of slippers because of the urine that was dripping off my leg I was laughing so hard (I apologize for the visual). So needless to say it would have been pretty cool to see him make a comedic comeback (“Tower Heist” does not count). Then that piece of garbage Brett Ratner had to drop a homophobic slur and fucked everything all up. Oh yeah and he lied about banging Olivia Munn. Dirtbag.
4. Jonathon Papelbon
I really hate this dude. He just oozes Douche. If the Phil’s fail to resign Ryan Madson, he is potentially going to be our closer. I would almost rather have K-Rod. ALMOST.
I didn’t get Phish tickets through the lottery, didn’t get them through public on-sale either. Now i’m going to have to drop about $500 to go see them on NYE. Which cuts into my binge drinking funds. Which in turn hurts my likability to people I talk to. Its a Lose-Lose.