90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

Thursday Power Rankings

Jerry Sandusky just missed the cut!

1. The New Penn State Coach

While the news of Joe Paterno’s immediate firing may have been a shock to some of you, especially some of you older folks, it looks like the Nittany Lions vacant coaching position just became the most coveted seat in sports. If your idea of a coveted seat is the pilot’s in a crashing jet plane. Let’s fire off a quick round of potential applicants:

  • Roman Polanski – He is an Oscar winning director so he can handle the leadership the head coaching job demands. Also he’s been accused of raping 12 year old girls, which should hopefully knock that “homo” tag Penn State has hanging over their heads.
  • Graham James – He was the former Junior Coach (think Canada’s college hockey, with less books and more pussy. Considerably less books. Like, none.) of Theo Fleury who taught Theo how to score at a young age. Hockey ain’t football, but most 10 year old’s assholes are in the same place.
  • Pete Carroll – Fuck you, Pete.

2. The Philadelphia Flyers

Not necessarily because of the results they’ve been getting, but the way they handled Tampa Bay’s trap defense was pure comedy. Rather than attack the 1-3-1 Devil’s-esque neutral zone trap, the Flyers were content at staying back behind their blue line, goading the Bolts and showing the Tampa crowd just how boring hockey can be!

God dammit guys, this is why were aren’t on ESPN!

3. Jorge Posada

Posada has finally seen the light, and will no longer be a member of the New York Yankees. That probably also means he won’t be a member of Major League Baseball. No one is going to pay for garbage player like that, are they? ::debates between throwing up picture of NY Mets logo or Chicago Cubs, remembers favorite team will soon be called Miami Marlins and is interviewing Jose Reyes, weeps::

music, Alison Brie, and (attempted) humor, after the jump.

4. Brayden Coburn

Another Flyers mention on my power rankings? Captain Dan, you can write out the check to “Weed Dealer.” The Fly guys signed Brayden Coburn to a 4.5 million dollar a year deal, and if your thinking “that’s crazy, but then again I’ve never heard of Brayden Coburn so,” well that’s why it’s crazy! Granted Coburn isn’t a bad D-man, he just isn’t 4.5 million dollars worth. Ah, Philadelphia, don’t ever change.

5. Don’t Stop Of We’ll Die

Dig this song.

6. Video Games

Always a big push of video games in the weeks before Thanksgiving, but this year there is quite the selection for the fan boys. Modern Warfare 3 came out the other night, and Timmy P ha already been promoted to Colonel. (That’s how the promotion system at Verizon Wireless works, right?) Battlefield 3, Skyrim, Arkham City, and Assassin’s Creed: Revelations are just a few of the games out or coming out that are worth your attention. I’m still exploring Arkham City, and if only I had Jerry Sandusky with me, as it’s getting a little tight in there.

7. Alison Brie

One of the stars of Community, and my muse, Alison Brie is probably best immortalized in GIFs. And look, I found some! Hooray for sharing! (courtesy of Warming Glow, full gallery there.)

Attention: Grabbed!

8. Philadelphia


9. Defending Joe Paterno

It’s the cool thing to do in Hollywood, with Alec Baldwin and Ashton Kutcher both defending Paterno via twitter. Guess I’m  not the only one. So, this is Hollywood huh guys? Feel’s pretty awesome. ::snorts line of cocaine off of hooker, writes screen play, accepts job at car dealership::

10. Herman Cain

Definitely groped those women, yo!

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