NFL Picks: Week 13

Last Week
Straight up: 13-3
Spread: 11-5

Season
Straight up: 119-57
Spread: 89-78-9

Solid week 12 for the kid. I’ll take 11-5 any week. Sadly, most of my money ONCE AGAIN was on the New York fucking Jets. Sure they won, but they didn’t cover the spread so who cares!!!!!! Well, I kinda do since I had them in survivor, but anyway, could the scene below be the Jets???? Nick Nolte as Sexy Rexy and Tony as Mark?????? With all of Marky Mark’s terrible passes and their tremendous ability to never cover the spread I’m getting realllll sketched out at the New York Jets.

Video link since I’m too dumb to embed a video

Well Rex couldn’t run that far without passing out, Mark isn’t black, sucks at playing QB so they wouldn’t be shocked that he’s turning the ball over, and if a coach barged into into the Sanchize’s room in college I’m sure there would be at least 6 blonde whores laying on his bed. So maybe the scene isn’t too accurate….I tried.

That scene cracks me up being a person who loves to gamble. I would love to get the opportunity to shave points, but the only chance I have at getting into an event where people can bet on me is if I get reallll good at some shady, obscure sport. Like cricket. Doesn’t look good. O well, onto the picks. Also, Blue Chips? Great flick.

Philadelphia (-3) Seattle

I miss that man. Vince Young is just sooooo boring. He never killed dogs, never had the coolest TV commercial ever (the Mike Vick experience, if you don’t know what I’m talking about we aren’t friends) and above all he’s just a shitty QB. The Seahawks have Marshawn Lynch if Steven Jackson is an orc then Lynch is…

There it is!!! Eagles 19 Seahawks 14

Denver (+1.5) Minnesota

Yawn. I’ll turn on this game with 6 minutes left Vikings up 2 and just watch Tebow go all Tebow on the Vikings. Then I’ll go to twitter and see everyone just tweeting TEEEEEEBBBBBOWWWWW. Most predictable thing I’ve ever seen. It’s not even fun watching their games since you know it comes down to Tebow walking down the field for the win. (It has to end soon, it just has to end.) Broncos 21 Vikings 17

Carolina (+3) Tampa Bay

These teams may rush for 4,000 yards combined. Carolina is 28th against the run and Tampa is 30th. Yes, I went to another site to find that information. Next level research…God I work so damn hard at this writing thing. Bucs 24 Panthers 20

Cincinnati (+6.5) Pittsburgh

Both these teams won last week, but they both looked horrawful. Great word. Steelers 30 Bengals 27

Indianapolis (+20) New England

Whoa whoa whoa, wait…. Dan Orlovksy is starting?!?!?!?! This is the change they needed!!!! They are going to pull the upset!!! And by upset I mean they may only lose by 30 now. Maybe Peyton Manning has been transferring his brain into Orlovsky’s head over the past 12 weeks and the transformation is now complete. It’s possible!!!! Pats 49 Colts 13

Oakland (+3) Miami

If that doesn’t get you excited then I don’t know what does. Raiders 22 Dolphins 14

Atlanta (-3) Houston

T.J. Yates…… who the hell is he? If the Texans aren’t cursed, then curses must not exist. Every year they get screwed. Poor Texans fans. I mean this man was playing QB for them so maybe it’s good he got hurt, may help their chances. Falcons 26 Texans 13

Tennessee (+2.5) Buffalo

Would you guess that this man went to Harvard? And that now he gets millions of dollars to be the most average quarterback you’ll ever see? Bills 28 Titans 17

NY Jets (-3) Washington

Mark Sanchez on the road!!! Ah!!!!!! Redskins 21 Jets 18

Kansas City (+7) Chicago

Palko….Hanie….YES!!!!! Worst QB battle ever? It has to be. And if I were a Chiefs fan I’d much rather have Kyle Orton who knows absolutely no plays on the field than Tyler Palko. His head may fall off at some point in this game. Bears 20 Chiefs 10

Baltimore (-6.5) Cleveland

Could be a let down game for Baltimore. Cincy nearly blew up against the big bad Browns last week and I could see Baltimore doing the same. Also, instead of the weekly “fuck you” directed at Peyton Hillis, I give you this.

That is one gayyyyyyyy t-shirt. Ravens 23 Browns 19

St. Louis (+13) San Francisco

Heard that St. Louis has TEN cornerbacks on injure reserve. That must be some sort of record. The 49ers are definitely pissed off after a terrible performance on national TV on turkey day. I also think coach Harbaugh is a bit upset after losing to his brother. Long week for the niners means they are gonna be out to rip some tits. 49ers 23 Rams 6

Dallas (-4.5) Arizona

Patrick Peterson is a monster he is very Devin Hester-ish. Sucks at playing corner, is insanely fast, and is nasty at returning punts. How bad was the Kolb trade for both the Cards and Eagles? DRC is a terrible corner and Kolb has looked like a little school boy bitch out there. Lose-lose trade. Cowboys 34 Cardinals 20

Green Bay (-7) NY Giants

Aaron Rodgers may throw for 309525098235828558338 yards. The Giants NEEEEEED to win this game, but the Packers are realllllllllly good. Packers 38 Giants 27

Detroit (+9) New Orleans

Oh no! Not Ndamukongzilla!!!! Saints 34 Lions 20

San Diego (-3) Jacksonville

Survivor pick for Timmy P. How can I not be confident in a team that has six straight loses????? Chargers 27 Jags 10