90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

The 2012 Florida Marlins: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb

Before this offseason, I was all but set to abandon my beloved Florida Marlins (from now on referred to as The Fish.) Another season of inexplicable mediocrity, untimely injuries, and WTF managing (I love me some Jack McKeon, but WTF) mixed with the complete identity change to the fabulously flamboyant Miami Marlins was more than enough to send me to the curb. Add in the fact that I am generally disintrested in baseball (NEEDS MOAR STEROIDS) and things were looking bleak for the following season, and I was all but ready to hand in my sabbatical papers. Then, almost over night, the Fish had me hooked.

Official baseball team of TomorrowLand

It all started before an offseason that can only be accurately described as hot and bothered. Forget the flirtation of signing Albert Pujols, a deal that would have given any Fish fan the right to wag his junk in front of any Cardinals fan he encountered. Forget the ridiculous, and very controversial (to the point where if Hanley is not a New York Yankee by June I will eat my hat) signing of last years NL batting champion Joe Reyes. I could listen to Mets fans belittle that signing for the oft injured Reyes all day if only to get to the part where they stammer through how they got better this offseason. Y-y-y-you didn’t, c-c-c-cockfaces.

Forget addressing our main concern pitching (both starting and relief) by inking my man from MVP 2005 Mark Beuhrle and closer Heath Bell. Let’s not discuss how we managed to trade away the human pitching machine, Chris Volstad for the crazy (both in the head, and on the mound) Carlos Zambrano. That’s a starting staff that already included All Stars Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco, and the absolutely gross looking Anibal Sanchez (he of the no-hitter variety). What’s up, Philly?

Oh, right, that.

No I was sold for next season long before the uniform (awful) and roster (wonderful) overhaul. What happened is we traded for arguably my favorite personality in baseball*, manager Ozzie Guillen. I started to follow our new manager on Twitter, and somewhere between his 4th and 5th consecutive tweet in complete Spanish, I knew this was going to be a fucking hell of a year. At the very least this team will be far more entertaining and because of all the talent and fiery manager we might actually get on ESPN every once and while. Add in the fact that the MLB added an extra playoff team to each league means we might actually make the postseason.  I am fully behind the Ozzie Guillen experiment.  Lets go Fish, or as Ozzie would say (remember to Google “let’s go fish” Spanish translation later).



*A title that I can, and will, bestow upon any personality in baseball at anytime.

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