90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

The Tim Parker Super Bowl Post


The Super Bowl Yayyyy!!!!! Nothing beats seeing two teams I absolutely despise play each other in the biggest game of the season. Thanks to Tim Tebow using the power of the almighty Jesus Christ he beat a rapist and gave Tom Brady and his Pats had an easy road to the Super Bowl (did any one honestly think Shane Joe Falco Flacco could take a team to the Super Bowl???). Then there’s the Giants. They have been playing PERFECT football the past five weeks. Yes, perfect, much like the Patriots record in 2008 going into Super Bowl 42 against the same New York Giants. Despite my hatred for both these teams it should be an exciting game. Even if it isn’t I’ll have at least 40 buffalo wings and 24 Budweisers so I’ll be a winner come Sunday.

On to the keys to winning Super Bowl 46

The First Key
* Which stud QB will have the better game?

Both QB’s in this game have reached the Stud level. Screw Elite I think stud sounds much cooler, a litter gayer, but much cooler. However, when you do a google image search of both quarterbacks (my way of measuring any human’s effectiveness at life) Tom Brady is the clear winner.

This picture is too much. He looks so incredibly confused.

VS

Yup. He's actually the perfect human. I'd say no homo, but it's complete homo.

Key #2
* The Rematch Factor 

Do you think coach BB is a little upset they weren’t perfect in 2008? Do you think they are still livid the zebras didn’t call Eli down after he was wrapped for 26 seconds by six different defenders?? Do you think Eli wants to prove SB42 wash’t a fluke? Do you think he wants to win more Super Bowls than his brother?? OK once the ball snaps none of this matters, but allllllll week long it’s all we’ve heard. As with every Super Bowl there are a lot of things that come out of either team winning this game. The edge goes to the G-Men. Imagine Eli beating the Patriots twice in the Super Bowl and imagine if him/Peyton don’t play in another Super Bowl ever again….. Eli will have won more Super Bowls than Peyton Manning. What were the odds of that when Eli was drafted??

Key #3
* The Porn Star Factor 

I love athletes and hopefully my Grandma doesn’t read this, but I obviously love porn stars. I couldn’t find any pictures of Bear Pascoe hanging out with Nikki Benz…… Edge Patriots.

Here’s another link from the best website on the internet The Chive, appropriately titled, Women love Rob Gronkowski

Sory Osi. This just doesn't do it for me.

Key #4
* The battle of the coaches 

Sorry Tommy.

VS

THE PICK

I’m 8-2 so far in the playoffs and goddamn that’s not shabby at all. Both these teams needed some luck to get into this game. Two costly 49er fumbles allowed the Giants to reach the Super Bowl, while Billy Cundiff hooked a game-tying field goal harder than any of my drives on my past Myrtle Beach trip.

The two weeks off helps the Patriots a whole lot. Rob Gronkowski is going to play. He may put 3,000 different needles into that ankle on Saturday night, but he’ll be out there and will be effective against a weak Giants linebackers unit. It also will help Tom Brady who’s banged up shoulder could be why he looked so pedestrian against the Ravens. Lastly, it helps coach Belichick. He’s been here a lot. He knows how to stop offenses and the extra week of preparation will help him come up a plan to stop Eli.

The health of Gronkowski is obviously the story that has been dominating the headlines, but the health of David Baas (The Giants Center) is a huge factor as well. Vince Wilfork is the best defensive tackle in football and can cause a lot of headaches for the Giants, especially if Baas isn’t 100%.

The G-men have been the popular pick and with the way they have been playing lately it makes sense, but the Patriots are a better team. They’ve won ten straight games and have one of, if not the best Quarterback to ever take a snap in the NFL. Of course I’m worried about Gronkowski, but Hernandez is no slouch and Wes Welker/Deion Branch is as proven a pair of WR’s as you can find. Even if Gronkowski isn’t 100% he’ll draw a whole lot of attention of the Giants defense which will open up Hernandez and Welker often. They’ll find a way to neutralize the Giants pass rush and the Giants run game which has struggled a majority of the season will be a non-factor. This will be a good one, that should come down to the 4th quarter.

New England Patriots 29 New York Giants 24

MVP: Tom Brady 27-39 327 yards 3 TD’s 1 INT

LVP: Lawrence Tynes (He cried after he beat the 49ers, he’s going to choke in this game)

Best Commercial: Seinfeld or Volkswagen dog (saw them both, they are both fantastic)

Beers drank by Tim Parker: Over/Under 10 8 (The Number got pushed down heavily, apparently no one has faith in my drinking ability)

One response to “The Tim Parker Super Bowl Post

  1. Pingback: Holy Shit It’s Almost Baseball Season: 5 Phillies Questions « 90 on 95

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