90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

Thursday Power Rankings (3/8/2012)

Let’s ignore where I’ve been and let’s get to where I’m going!

1. Peyton Manning

While the big guy got royally screwed in my opinion by the Indianapolis Colts, he’s got to stay positive and remember that he’s the prettiest girl at the ball and every guy there wants to sleep with him. Especially Jake Roberts. Peyton hasn’t made a decision as to where he wants to play football next but the biggest attractions would be Miami, Arizona, Washington or Seattle.  I think it’ll be a go for Miami (that sound you just heard was TimmyP’s dick exploding) but with this guy you never know. I know money rules all but I think Peyton Manning wants to win, and Miami may not be the best place for that. I just can’t wait till next year when Andrew Luck is throwing passes out of bounds as the Colts stumble towards another lottery pick. Hope you guys enjoyed the top while you were up there.

2. Playoff Hockey

OOOOOHHHH BAAAAAABY. Things are really heating up in the Western Conference as 5 teams struggle for ultimately the last 2 spots (+ the Pacific Division winner). The Dallas Stars have become seemingly unbeatable, the San Jose Sharks are trolling everybody right now, Phoenix is still a hockey team and the LA Kings are doing there best to not make the playoffs. But the real story is the Colorado Avalanche. Arguably the winners of the trade deadline (Steve Downie and Jamie McGinn have instantly made impacts whereas TJ Galiardi is riding pine in San Jose, Winnick is basically invisible as well and Kyle Quincey plays hockey in Detroit) the Avs are clicking right now, winners of 5 of their past 7 and if it wasn’t for all those fucking teams winning ahead of them they’d be in the second season for sure. March is essentially a month of playoff hockey for all the teams I mentioned above. So if you’ve got the Center Ice Package or you stop by NBC Sports by accident and any of these teams are playing you may want to check it out.

3. Jeremy Lin

Just kidding. They really cooled off on that shit, huh?

The rest of the rankings, after the jump. 

4. Justified

This show is just good stuff. If you’re unfamiliar with it you should get familiar with it. Episode after episode of great story telling, a plot that actually goes places, and characters that are as despicable and dirty as I imagine most people living in Kentucky are. One of the rare shows where you don’t mind seeing the villain get the upper hand. This season hasn’t been as explosive as the past two, but it’s building towards a hectic finale that will surely be a doozy. The man from Detroit, Limehouse, Boyd Crowder, and a baby on the way? Raylan Givens sure does have his hands full. At least he gets to come home to this (assuming they work things out.)

Oh hi Natalie

5. Leo Messi

The Argentine wunderkind showcased the world that he is essentially just a living breathing FIFA character by scoring 5 (!) goals in Barcelona’s Champions League clash yesterday against ::goes to google it, remembers it’s soccer::. Seriously it’s like when God created him he just set all his stats to 99. Those five goals are of course a record in the Champions League for one match and it’s going to be fun to see how he tops himself in the upcoming weeks. By the way, “How He Tops Himself” is a really good self help book for gay guys. Not that, you know, I know or anything.

Here’s every goal Messi has ever scored for Barcelona. The video is 13 minutes long. Don’t worry guys, I sent an email to your boss, it’s cool.

6.  Spring Training

Baseball is back guys! Lots to look forward to this season and be sure to come by 90 on 95 in the next few weeks for  complete Yankees and Phillies previews, plus a NL East and AL East preview done by myself. I know, seriously, they left me in charge of previewing 8 baseball team, 4 of which are in a League I don’t even recognize. Maybe we’ll make it into some sort of drinking game. Anyways, let’s do a mini ranking of the top 5 teams that WON’T win the World Series.

  • 5. Baltimore Oriels – What, you were expecting jokes?
  • 4. Arizona D-Backs – No really, I don’t have any.
  • 3. Houston Astros – Have fun in the AL! (see, I’m really bad at baseball humor)
  • 2. Toronto Maple Leafs – Just seeing if you guys are paying attention
  • 1. Philadelphia Phillies – Because they won’t.

7. Battlefield Earth

I was pretty drunk last night and ended up watching like, 75% of this movie. It is, in a word, awful. In 18 words, it’s the biggest piece of shit I’ve seen since I got lost in that circus 3 years ago. What, I was drunk. But I think that elephant was too.

8. The New Orleans Saints

With the admittance of their “bounty program”, the Saints management and coaching staff is in hot water this week. I for one, don’t mind this sort of thing. I understand that putting a price on a guys head is a bit iffy, and no one wants to see anyone get hurt. Oh, except for that part where everyone wants to see someone get hurt. And let’s not get into the whole “getting paid to hit hard” thing. That’s essentially how football players get paid anyways. If you get more tackles, get more sacks, you are going to get rewarded for it. We want to see these guys kill each other, and now that we know that they want to kill each other it’s all of sudden very PC.  I really don’t see the big deal. (And before you start, yes I see the big deal, I’m just the asshole in the room that is this blog.)

9. Locksley – The Whip

This is the Colorado Avalanche goal song, and is quite catchy I must say. It’s no “Chelsea Dagger”, but the Can ain’t the Madhouse if you know what I mean? ::Looks at dog::

10. The Official Chicago Cubs Suicide Hotline

Which I hope is a real thing after watching this commercial.

That’s fucking mean MLB The Show.

See you guys next week!

PS. Also let’s not talk about the Matt Duchene injury, k tnx bai.

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