90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

Monday Power Rankings

Great week of sports we just had guys. Chelsea FC doing the unthinkable, plenty of upsets in the charity tournament for the brain-destroying spring-centric disease, March Madness, and lot’s of hockey.

1. Semyon Varlamov

Lights out. That’s the best way to describe the play of Ninja Spider. 41 saves on St. Patricks Day at MSG? Unbelievable.  I was at that game and holy wow, some of those saves were mind bottling. Kid’s gotta whole lotta glove.

2. Walking Dead/East Bound and Down

I’ve been behind on the Walking Dead, pretty much since the end of the first half of the second season (ouch my head) when Rick shot that zombie kid. But apparently this second half has been balls and people are dying and zombies are eating brains and people are finding out clues about this whole infection. I don’t know, it’s just things started to get a little ridiculous, with plot holes (HOW DID SHANE AND THAT FAT GUY GET INTO THE SCHOOL!?!? DON’T GIVE ME A GOD DAMN JUMP CUT!) and the black guy is still called “T-Bone.” Then people go off and say “But no, this last episode, SAMURAI WIELDING ZOMBIE ASSASSIN!” Oh and here I was all worried that the series was getting too incredulous. Also, isn’t everyone a zombie assassin during the zombie apocalypse? I digress

What isn’t ridiculous is this season of East Bound and Down. From having hands down the best cold opens in television to the break through performance of Stevie Jankowski, this show is really having a strong final season. I hated seeing Shane go, but the reveal of a twin brother was classic stuff. I just really hope we get some Andy Daly back before series end. Also, Lily Tomlin is perfect for Kenny Powers mom.

3. Pittsburgh Penguins

Watch out every team that thinks they have a decent chance at winning the Stanley Cup. ::glares at New York Rangers:: With the return of Sidney Crosby and the emergence of Evgeni Malkin as “That guy whose not Crosby, but is just as good as him and plays for the same team wait are we sure he’s not just Crosby?”, the Penguins are storming up the Eastern Conference standings and could very well surpass the Rangers for the top of the Atlantic Division, and possibly even the League. They’ve got a Stanley Cup proven goaltender in Marc-Andre Fluery and this team is carrying momentum into the stretch. Fun stuff.

4. Andy Pettite

After taking a 1-year retirement from baseball, Andy Pettite is returning to the MLB via the Yankees. While it is initially a minor-league contract, Pettite could well in fact make the team and provide a positive veteran presence on a New York Yankees team that is trying to find it’s identity. When asked why he chose the Yankees over his hometown Houston Astros, Pettite said, “Well, with both teams in the AL, my arm is really going to have to be stronger than ever. So, in the end it’s just easier to cheat the fans and my employers by taking steroids and playing for the Yankees. Everyone know that. Oh, hold on, that’s A-Rod on my celly.”

5. “Somebody that I used to know” – Gotye

Listen, it starts out with a naked dude, but then eventually a naked chick shows up and things work out well. Holy shit you guys, I think I just found the title to my autobiography.

6. Sofia Vergara

In green, for St. Patrick’s Day!


7. March Madness


8. The NBA’s Latin American Appreciation

Latin American’s are one of the highest growing minorities in the US right now and I just took 15 minutes to type this sentence because I really didn’t want it to seem racist. The NBA is recognizing this fact and celebrating the Latin American culture, specifically the well documented Latin American method of putting “Los” in front of something to make it Spanish. Now, I know this cash gimmick, er, well, no cash gimmick works, has been going on for a while, and the only reason I bring it up is because it feels like almost every other night a new team is doing the appreciation. Just you don’t want to overkill this whole thing. All I’m saying is, small doses goes a long way NBA.

Wait hold on guys my Grandpa want’s to type something.

You know, I think it’s funny that a league full of ni…

::wrestles for keyboard:: Alright, well, I blame the Alzheimer’s.

9. Peyton Manning

Is sticking around in the top 10, amidst the news that he will purportedly be signing with the Denver Broncos. When Tim Tebow was asked what he thought of the news and whether this was just another wrinkle in “God’s Plan”, Tebow smiled maniacally and strangled a new born kitten. Man, that dude is fucked up.

10. Terry Francona’s Dick

I’m watching the Phillies/Detroit spring game and Herschiser just eluded that Terry Francona’s dick fell out because his pants weren’t on properly. Yup, good week of sports.

One response to “Monday Power Rankings

  1. jumpingpolarbear March 19, 2012 at 4:54 PM

    Sofia Vergara! Not bad at all :). She needs to be number 1!

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