Full disclosure: this was written prior to the NHL and the NHLPA figuring their shit out.
I think me and Taylor Swift could be friends. We have a lot in common, namely an annoying significant other. For her, it’s her bevy of ex boyfriends, whereas I have a tumultuous relationship with the National Hockey League. I’ve come to realize she wrote “I Knew You Were Trouble” specifically for the lockout. Listen to it and tell me I’m wrong. Or just listen to it because it’s rather catchy. It’s like the dub-step version of a battered girlfriend. Or a hockey fan.
I don’t know how to drink without hockey. It’s nothing serious but routine was grab a six pack, watch hockey, wake up full of regret and self loathing. It was a great routine! I was just getting good at it. But now I’m forced to go out to a bar, and have beers with friends. Have you ever had a conversation with someone at a bar? Nowadays I’m happy when the music is too loud. Sometimes I even have to watch basketball. The horror. At this point I’m drinking just to drink, no puck involved.
I think I have a drinking problem.
I’ve been siphoning hockey from all available avenues. I’m like the world’s most efficient drug addict. I’ve been to AHL games, which is really just a stint in junior college and a restraining order away from attending a high school hockey game. KHL on espn2? Oh yeah, I was there. I stayed up until 4 am last Wednesday turned Thursday to watch USA hockey. Correction: to watch under 20 year olds play hockey. You ever watch a hockey game with a glass of wine? It’s so refined. Daddy just needs his fix.
But I understand where the players and owners are coming from. They make a ridiculous amount of money and we should all understand that they want to make more. I get it. I went to college for five years and got my bachelors in film. Now I’m a bartender at a shitty restaurant. While these clowns are trying to figure out how to split 3.3 billion dollars I’m stuck yapping it up with a lonely retired 65 year old man in hopes that he’ll leave me 6 bucks on a 23$ check. The least you guys could do is figure this shit out so while I’m behind the bar listening to two 19 year old waitresses brag about the destruction of their dignity I could drown it out with Pavel Datsyuk toe drags.
And we could all use some more Pavel Datsyuk toe drags in our life.