90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

The Confession


Oprah Winfrey rests perched upon her sofa. Lance Amrstrong sits, arms crossed upon his bicycle. A crowd of 50-something year old women watch with baited breathe.

OPRAH: We welcome you back to the show, I’m here with Lance Armstrong, cycling superstar.

Lance Armstrong tilts his head down and raises his right fist.

OPRAH: Now, we spent the first segment of our show politely asking Mr. Armstrong to get off his bike and take a seat on…


OPRAH: Excuse me?

LANCE: My bicycle. A bike is a child’s toy. This is my tool upon which I shower the world with my greatness.

OPRAH: Well that greatness has been tainted with you coming out just hours earlier and admitting to your charity, Livestrong, that you did indeed use performance enhancing drugs during your amazing Tour De France races. How did that feel?

LANCE: It felt horrible Oprah. Looking at the faces of employees that made me the money I have today and allowed me to be inside Sheryl Crow for what seemed like forever, and telling them that I cheated was awful. Have you ever kicked a baby panda in the face Oprah?

OPRAH: Excuse me, no never!?

LANCE: It’s stress relieving but you feel just horrible about it. That’s what confessing these truths is like.

OPRAH: So, is there something you would like to say to me, and the audience, and your fans?

Lance looks down, away. He stymies a cry.

OPRAH: Come now, you can tell me anything.

Lance’s gaze rises to meet Oprah’s.

LANCE: May I jump up on your couch?

OPRAH: What? No! No more couch jumpers.

Without hesitation Lance leaps from his bicycle to the couch and begins jumping maniacally.


The crowd comes alive, showering Lance with approving applause.

OPRAH: Get down from my couch right this instant! Who do you think you are, Tom Cruise??


The crowd chants “Cruise! Cruise!” with every emphatic jump from Lance.

OPRAH: You are not Tom Cruise!

Lance Armstrong stops jumping and whips out a gun. He points it at Oprah. The crowd falls from pure jubilation to a fearful hush.

LANCE: I am Tom Cruise!

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Mexican/American Relations and Recreational Soccer

I’ve never been punched in the face.

You’d think it’s something I would be proud of, but I’m not. I’ve had more than my fair share of instances where I should have been punched in the face. When I was a teenager I was stupid and called some kid a “faggot” in front of most of my high school class. It was outside in the parking lot (we didn’t even have to meet there after school!) and he came right up to me and faked his punch. I flinched. He held up. I’ve been an asshole ever since. I don’t even remember his name.

I deserve to be punched in the face.

A few weeks ago I started playing pick up soccer with one of the busboys from the restaurant I work at. I love futbol as much as the next sweaty guy clearing the plates off your table, I’ve just never really played it. Since I’m a natural goalie (RE: out of shape) I figured how hard could it be.

It’s really hard guys.

A 34 year old dishwasher in jeans kicks about as hard as anything I’ve ever been hit with.

The hard part though isn’t the game itself, it’s the environment. I have a weird relationship with people of Latin descent. See, I love their women. Spanish girls are like sunsets. Stunning, breathtaking, and I just love watching them go down. But I feel like me and Spanish guys just don’t get a long. Whether it’s the grill cook at work or the center forward for the opposing team, they just look at me like I’ve wronged their family.

Oh shit was that your sister?

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About Everett Golson

I’m not going to sit here and lament the refs for blowing two calls on Notre Dame’s first possession that changed the pace of the game.

I’m not going to sit here and lament how a team that finished it’s season on November 24th has to wait until January 7th to play it’s final game.

I’m not going to sit here and lament how AJ McCarron is going to be a fantastic backup one day in the NFL.

No, I’m just going to sit here and say what I’ve been saying all year: Everett Golson is a horrible quarterback. Not a bad one. Not OK. Horrible. At no time last night was there ever a moment where I said to myself, “It’s OK, Golson will figure out a way to get downfield.” Yes, he was able to lead his team almost every week and sure they went undefeated. Did we have an easy schedule? Everett Golson was our quarterback all  year, and we had yet to lose a game. So yeah, we had an easy schedule.

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The Daily Drive – 1/7/13

The Daily Drive is a (sometimes) daily feature here on 90on95. It features a mishmash of sports news, pop culture and music, things that I think you should give a shit about.

First of all you guys deserve a proper hello.

Let’s get to the good stuff.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKEY IS BAAAAAAAAAACK!!! – The NHL and NHLPA reached a tentative agreement over the weekend, and guys we’ll all be watching puck Saturday, January 19th. After what seemed like forever this stupid labor war is over and now we can go back to arguing over whether they should be playing hockey in Arizona or if the Rangers will fail again in the playoffs (no and yes!). Pavel Datsyuk toe drags for everyone!!!!

National Championship – My beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish (you may have heard of them, being number 1 in the country and what not) take on the Alabama Crimson Tide (which would admittedly make a badass civil war movie about a band of Southern bandits who team up with the North to dismantle the will of the Confederacy. Jeez Quentin Tarantino get on that) in the BCS National Championship tonight. It should be a fantastic battle of two of the best defenses in the country, and could either cement Nick Saban’s legacy (in ways that a diner waitress never could) or could be Brian Kelly’s moment to make us all come together (as ND fans, of course). Manti Te’0. That’s all. ND 17, Alabama 13.

NBA, music, ballsy kids, after the jump!

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Mike Shanahan Murdered RG3

This season Robert Griffin III (with some help by a fellow named Albert Morris) took the Washington Redskins from the brink of obscurity to the brink of escaping Wild Card Weekend. The freshman impressed his critics (including myself) all season doing his best “Micheal Vick in Madden 2005” routine every game. Coming into the this weekend’s match up with the Seattle Seahawks, RG3 had the potential to buck the racial stereotype that African American quarterbacks are nothing more than glorified running backs. Twenty touchdowns paired with only five interceptions and a QB rating of 102? Over 3000 passing yards? This guy was showing us he was capable of more, that he was a little more Warren Moon and a little less Marcus Vick (that’s two different Vick references in one paragraph guys.)

Cue the Friday the 13th music.

Enter head coach Mike Shanahan.

RG3 was injured heading into Sunday’s game in Washington. Wearing a brace on his knee he played like Elastic Man, bouncing off linebackers and defensive ends and finding his way between the chains. Watching him play that first quarter was probably the closest I’ll ever get to watching my son play professional sports. Hanging over every play was the possibility of stray Seahawks shoulder or helmet clipping his already bum knee, putting his, and the Redskins, season on the line. The eventuality won out in the fourth quarter. Trying to salvage a botched snap, RG3’s lame knee twisted and turned in the crisp Maryland air, and as he lay on the ground it was as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.


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Self Loathing and the NHL lockout

Full disclosure: this was written prior to the NHL and the NHLPA figuring their shit out.

I think me and Taylor Swift could be friends. We have a lot in common, namely an annoying significant other. For her, it’s her bevy of ex boyfriends, whereas I have a tumultuous relationship with the National Hockey League. I’ve come to realize she wrote “I Knew You Were Trouble” specifically for the lockout. Listen to it and tell me I’m wrong. Or just listen to it because it’s rather catchy. It’s like the dub-step version of a battered girlfriend. Or a hockey fan.

I don’t know how to drink without hockey. It’s nothing serious but routine was grab a six pack, watch hockey, wake up full of regret and self loathing. It was a great routine! I was just getting good at it. But now I’m forced to go out to a bar, and have beers with friends. Have you ever had a conversation with someone at a bar? Nowadays I’m happy when the music is too loud. Sometimes I even have to watch basketball. The horror. At this point I’m drinking just to drink, no puck involved.

I think I have a drinking problem.

I’ve been siphoning hockey from all available avenues. I’m like the world’s most efficient drug addict. I’ve been to AHL games, which is really just a stint in junior college and a restraining order away from attending a high school hockey game. KHL on espn2? Oh yeah, I was there. I stayed up until 4 am last Wednesday turned Thursday to watch USA hockey. Correction: to watch under 20 year olds play hockey. You ever watch a hockey game with a glass of wine? It’s so refined. Daddy just needs his fix.

But I understand where the players and owners are coming from. They make a ridiculous amount of money and we should all understand that they want to make more. I get it. I went to college for five years and got my bachelors in film. Now I’m a bartender at a shitty restaurant. While these clowns are trying to figure out how to split 3.3 billion dollars I’m stuck yapping it up with a lonely retired 65 year old man in hopes that he’ll leave me 6 bucks on a 23$ check. The least you guys could do is figure this shit out so while I’m behind the bar listening to two 19 year old waitresses brag about the destruction of their dignity I could drown it out with Pavel Datsyuk toe drags.

And we could all use some more Pavel Datsyuk toe drags in our life.

Monday Power Rankings

Great week of sports we just had guys. Chelsea FC doing the unthinkable, plenty of upsets in the charity tournament for the brain-destroying spring-centric disease, March Madness, and lot’s of hockey.

1. Semyon Varlamov

Lights out. That’s the best way to describe the play of Ninja Spider. 41 saves on St. Patricks Day at MSG? Unbelievable.  I was at that game and holy wow, some of those saves were mind bottling. Kid’s gotta whole lotta glove.

2. Walking Dead/East Bound and Down

I’ve been behind on the Walking Dead, pretty much since the end of the first half of the second season (ouch my head) when Rick shot that zombie kid. But apparently this second half has been balls and people are dying and zombies are eating brains and people are finding out clues about this whole infection. I don’t know, it’s just things started to get a little ridiculous, with plot holes (HOW DID SHANE AND THAT FAT GUY GET INTO THE SCHOOL!?!? DON’T GIVE ME A GOD DAMN JUMP CUT!) and the black guy is still called “T-Bone.” Then people go off and say “But no, this last episode, SAMURAI WIELDING ZOMBIE ASSASSIN!” Oh and here I was all worried that the series was getting too incredulous. Also, isn’t everyone a zombie assassin during the zombie apocalypse? I digress

What isn’t ridiculous is this season of East Bound and Down. From having hands down the best cold opens in television to the break through performance of Stevie Jankowski, this show is really having a strong final season. I hated seeing Shane go, but the reveal of a twin brother was classic stuff. I just really hope we get some Andy Daly back before series end. Also, Lily Tomlin is perfect for Kenny Powers mom.

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Sports Day, USA

This week has crazy potential for myself. Sort of like the New York Giants rolling into the playoffs, I’m firing on all cylinders. I had a gross week at work making money (I bartend, so I don’t actually make money. It would be dope to work at a Minting station.. Minting factory? I don’t know, to literally make money), and now I get to enjoy my two days off filled with sports sports SPORTS! This week will significantly decide the next month and a half of sports for myself, and whether you get Joe the Positive, Insightful Blogger, or Joe the Pessimistic, Downtrodden Blogger.

One Joe's medication is another Joe's celebration

It all starts today at 2:55 PM as my beloved Chelsea Blues take on Napoli in the second round of the the Champions League. It’s been a whirlwind season for the Blues, and as of right now they won’t qualify for the Tournament of Tournaments next year if they don’t pick up the points in their regular season, so today could be the last time they take on European competition for over a year. Napoli holds a 3-1 aggregate edge, but the Blues secured that all important away goal, so a 2-0 win at home and the good guys are on to the round of 8. If anyone in Fairfield County is reading this and lucky enough to have today off, I’ll be a Brennan’s Shebeen in Bridgeport, I’ll buy you a round.

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Thursday Power Rankings (3/8/2012)

Let’s ignore where I’ve been and let’s get to where I’m going!

1. Peyton Manning

While the big guy got royally screwed in my opinion by the Indianapolis Colts, he’s got to stay positive and remember that he’s the prettiest girl at the ball and every guy there wants to sleep with him. Especially Jake Roberts. Peyton hasn’t made a decision as to where he wants to play football next but the biggest attractions would be Miami, Arizona, Washington or Seattle.  I think it’ll be a go for Miami (that sound you just heard was TimmyP’s dick exploding) but with this guy you never know. I know money rules all but I think Peyton Manning wants to win, and Miami may not be the best place for that. I just can’t wait till next year when Andrew Luck is throwing passes out of bounds as the Colts stumble towards another lottery pick. Hope you guys enjoyed the top while you were up there.

2. Playoff Hockey

OOOOOHHHH BAAAAAABY. Things are really heating up in the Western Conference as 5 teams struggle for ultimately the last 2 spots (+ the Pacific Division winner). The Dallas Stars have become seemingly unbeatable, the San Jose Sharks are trolling everybody right now, Phoenix is still a hockey team and the LA Kings are doing there best to not make the playoffs. But the real story is the Colorado Avalanche. Arguably the winners of the trade deadline (Steve Downie and Jamie McGinn have instantly made impacts whereas TJ Galiardi is riding pine in San Jose, Winnick is basically invisible as well and Kyle Quincey plays hockey in Detroit) the Avs are clicking right now, winners of 5 of their past 7 and if it wasn’t for all those fucking teams winning ahead of them they’d be in the second season for sure. March is essentially a month of playoff hockey for all the teams I mentioned above. So if you’ve got the Center Ice Package or you stop by NBC Sports by accident and any of these teams are playing you may want to check it out.

3. Jeremy Lin

Just kidding. They really cooled off on that shit, huh?

The rest of the rankings, after the jump.  Read more of this post

The 2012 Florida Marlins: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb

Before this offseason, I was all but set to abandon my beloved Florida Marlins (from now on referred to as The Fish.) Another season of inexplicable mediocrity, untimely injuries, and WTF managing (I love me some Jack McKeon, but WTF) mixed with the complete identity change to the fabulously flamboyant Miami Marlins was more than enough to send me to the curb. Add in the fact that I am generally disintrested in baseball (NEEDS MOAR STEROIDS) and things were looking bleak for the following season, and I was all but ready to hand in my sabbatical papers. Then, almost over night, the Fish had me hooked.

Official baseball team of TomorrowLand

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