Simmons doesn’t have this copyrighted right? RIGHT?!
3:22 – Wake up to a text from my editor saying he thinks someone should be posting something about the NCAA tournament, preferably something about St. Johns and Ron Artest. Reply with “How bout I post a running diary.” His response, “The games started almost two hours ago, but sure whatever.” And it begins.
3:30 – Holy shit he wasn’t lying. 4 games already happened and 2 have just started. One of my favorites to make it to the Elite 8 goes through, Western Virginia. I have a friend who went to college there, so I pick them usually cause he’s a pretty good guy. Did I mention I know nothing about college basketball?
3:50 – Old Dominion, another team I had through the first round loses to Butler. I usually pick Old Dominion because they seem like a Star Wars faction. “But Anakin, the Jedi of the Old Dominion of Coruscant will never approve of your idea.” Fucking Obi-wan, have some faith.
3:55 – Temple and Moorehead are the other two teams that advanced so far. Pretty sure I had Morehead upsetting Louisville. ::Checks bracket:: Pretty sure my memory is shot.
4:00 – Take a shower.
4:13 – If there are people out there who shower without using conditioner, I don’t want to know them. And if you use the 2-in-1 bottles, you’re a fascist.
4:20 – At the half Kentucky-Princeton is tight, and Pittsburgh is leading UNCA by 5. Wow, I hope UNCA can keep it interesting in the 2nd half ::hand wanking motion::.
4:25 – I’m 1 for 4 so far in my bracket, even had Penn State going to the third round. That’s right, I know a few kids who went there too. Keep that in mind as you read this and say “Does he even like college basketball?”
4:30 – Princeton makes a surge, up by a few 3 minutes into the second. Man, I hope these Princeton kids win a game or two. They have it so rough.
4:37 – Just got the feed of the Kentucky/Princeton game on my laptop. I know, you could hardly tell I wasn’t even watching the games before.
4:43 – Kentucky takes advantage of a few mistakes by the Princeton Prince’s (that’s the team right?) and goes up by 1.
4:44 – Maybe it’s just me, but the way I remember basketball when I was a kid was that there was only two people on the court for each team at one time, and the ball was almost always engulfed in flames. Bill Clinton was there a lot, too.
4:47 – As this Kentucky/Princes game stays tight, the audio is switching to the San Diego/North Colorado game. Like any good, red blooded American male, I’m betting on this tourney, and I’ve got North Colorado.
4:52 – North Colorado Bears (their mascot is named “Klawz,” so I’m in) are keeping up with San Diego. 14 points baby. Just don’t lose by 14.
4:58 – Checking in on the other games, Pitt is up by 10 and Kentucky by 4. Klawz is lovin’ the effort so far, as the Bears are hanging with San Diego, down 1. That’s right, I’ve got 3 different college bball games streaming on my computer. If someone walked in on me right now, I’d feel like they caught me masturbating. “No, wait, it’s not what you think. It’s just research. IT’S JUST RESEARCH!”
5:03 – with under a minute left, I’m switching the audio to see if Princeton can upset Kentucky. Don’t take it personally, Klawz.
5:06 – Princeton ties it with .34 left in the second. I’m starting to get excited. I’m going to go put a soccer jersey on.
5:08 – Kentucky up 2 with two seconds left!
5:10 – Maybe next year Princeton. And remember graduating seniors, there’s still that 100K+ entry level position at your Dad’s friends firm this summer to look forward to. It’s not NCAA glory, but it’s something.
5:13 – That’s Kentucky through, and baring an upset, Pittsburgh too. That makes me 2-6. Meanwhile the Bears are roping me in, tied at 20 with five minutes in the first.
5:17 – I don’t care how much Coke wants to market it it, Coke Zero most resembles the taste of Coke Black, which tasted like ass.
5:20 – San Diego starting to run away with it. ::checking for beer::
5:27 – give me a few minutes, figuring out how to do all this from my iTouch. I got shit to do today. Well, beers to drink at least.
5:31 – well look who figured it out. Meanwhile the Bears head into halftime down 6, and Vandy goes in up 3. Pitt is runnin’ the floor with UNCA, which I’ll be honest is a term I never quite understood.
5:40 – it’s an away Celtic jersey, btw. Green with black, #29 Maloney on the back.
5:54 – Big three by Northern Colorado. First points 2 minutes into the second half. San Diego answers after they missed 11 consecutive tries. Holy shit 11? I thought they always hit buckets.
5:57 – Bears down by 3 with 15 left and I’m signing off for now. If I can grab internet at the bar, I will. I implore my colleagues on this site to either add to this, start their own, or ignore me. The choice is yours. HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!!
7:00- that does it for North Colorado, losing by 18 to San Diego. One team left in my pool. Brightside is 2 or 3 more beers and I won’t care. Expect updates from the bar. Whether I actually do it..
7:36 – Guiness in hand, Jimmer vs. Wofford on TV. I’m back baby
7:44 – Down three to Wofford, pretty sure all Jimmer can think about is how much sex with his gf he isn’t going to have after this game
7:54 –this bar serves it’s Guiness in plastic, but the door man has a tux on. Call it a draw. Uconn is killin it. Surprisingly strong UConn crowd at the bar. Man, it must be awesome to root for a team whose college you didn’t attend.
8:11 – Love drunk girls in the bar shouting for UConn to “keep it up, almost there” with 3 minutes left in the first. Stay classy, ladies.
8:19 –It’s amazing how many teams are names after bears. Gay men over 40 must love it.
8:25 –I don’t trust people who drink hard cider. Especially at a bar. They have beer on tap what are you doing??? BTW thanks for showing up, UC Santa Barbara
8:32 –Oh no! A rogue fan just jumped onto the court in a white jersey. Oh sorry, that’s just the one black guy who plays for BYU.
8:59 –UConn is that guy at the party who passes out by the third hour, or as I like to call him, Connor. Seriously you are playing Bucknell, rest some guys you don’t need to score 90 every game. We get it, you are ready for the NBA.
9:08 –Going to be probably 100 babies named Jimmer this year. Don’t worry you won’t meet any of them. They’ll be mormon.
9:19 –taking a piss with one hand should be in the olympics. And I mean from the minute you unzip to drying off.
9:38 –beer number 5 w/o dinner and I’m signing off. Stay tuned to the website and follow me on twiiter @joeyauger. Oh yeah and rock, chalk, jayhawk.