90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

Category Archives: NFL

Super Bowl 47 Prediction


Is it sad that for the past week or so everyday when I wake up the first thing I think about is who is going to win the Super Bowl? Is it even worse that every day I change my mind on who I think is going to win? Honestly if it wasn’t for gambling I really wouldn’t care about this game. Sure watching the game is fun, but really all I want to do is win a quarter in my grid pool, get a bunch of stupid questionnaire questions correct and hope that I win money on my bets…….of course eating an obscene amount of food and drinking lots of beer also makes the day worth while. I’ve tried to read literally every single article written about this game in some sort of attempt to gain some knowledge on who will win and in turn have me win some money on it….Here’s some cool shit I found:

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Shit That has happened since I Last Posted


Shit...Got...Weird

Shit…Got…Weird

 

Well well well…..it has been quite a while since I have had the motivation to write anything in this space and I really don’t have any excuses except that I am lazy as a sloth.  Just to bring you up to speed here are a few of the highlights/lowlights in my life since my last post on March 13th 2012.

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard missed half a season

Cole Hamels Made a lot of money

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Saturday Quickie


Timmy P has not graced this wonderful website with any NFL picks since the Super Bowl last year so I figured I’d throw some quick picks at you. Anyone that was looking for my wizard-like advice for this season I apologize. I really didn’t keep track of my record this year, but based on my account balance at betbigcity.com (Yes, that is a real place) I think my record this year wasn’t pretty. Here’s some picks.

DENVER (-9) Baltimore

New England versus Denver next week will be a real treat. Unfortunately there are two really mediocre teams standing in the way of this dream matchup. Baltimore has the “our best player in franchise history is retiring as soon as we lose” factor going for them, but they also have this man leading their offensive charge.

Ray Lewis is one of my favorite players to every play the game of football. He’s one of the best linebackers to ever play and an even better leader/motivational speaker. He probably has at least 34 offers from southern churches to become their next leader in prayer. The Ravens defense is much healthier than they were during their 34-17 beat down the Broncos handed them last month. In that matchup they had a third-string linebacker playing in place of Ray Lewis who was on the field for every single play against the Manning led offense. I’ll take Ray Lewis with a bionic arm over that guy. Editor note: Since I’m my own editor I guess it’s just a note: too lazy to look up guys name. if you really care do it on your own. Thanks.

The only other thing that scares me is the silly stat that Peyton Manning is 0-3 in the playoffs when the temperature dips below 35 degrees. Gay stat, I refuse to acknowledge it…..but if the Broncos lose I guess Peyton really does hate the cold.

I think Demaryius Thomas and New Jersey’s finest Knowshon Moreno are going to have big days and that Von Miller will have a minimum of 2 sacks. Peyton will break his stupid outdoor playoff losing streak and the Broncos will roll.

Broncos 30 Ravens 14

Packers – Niners after the jump

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Mike Shanahan Murdered RG3


This season Robert Griffin III (with some help by a fellow named Albert Morris) took the Washington Redskins from the brink of obscurity to the brink of escaping Wild Card Weekend. The freshman impressed his critics (including myself) all season doing his best “Micheal Vick in Madden 2005” routine every game. Coming into the this weekend’s match up with the Seattle Seahawks, RG3 had the potential to buck the racial stereotype that African American quarterbacks are nothing more than glorified running backs. Twenty touchdowns paired with only five interceptions and a QB rating of 102? Over 3000 passing yards? This guy was showing us he was capable of more, that he was a little more Warren Moon and a little less Marcus Vick (that’s two different Vick references in one paragraph guys.)

Cue the Friday the 13th music.

Enter head coach Mike Shanahan.

RG3 was injured heading into Sunday’s game in Washington. Wearing a brace on his knee he played like Elastic Man, bouncing off linebackers and defensive ends and finding his way between the chains. Watching him play that first quarter was probably the closest I’ll ever get to watching my son play professional sports. Hanging over every play was the possibility of stray Seahawks shoulder or helmet clipping his already bum knee, putting his, and the Redskins, season on the line. The eventuality won out in the fourth quarter. Trying to salvage a botched snap, RG3’s lame knee twisted and turned in the crisp Maryland air, and as he lay on the ground it was as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

BUT YO IT DIDN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN IF MIKE SHANAHAN WOULD JUST LISTEN TO HIS DOCTORS.

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Peyton Manning


Please baby Jesus make it happen. Dick exploding? That would ben an understatement Joseph Auger. I love football, but the Dolphins absolutely sucking the past 10 years has made me say, “fuck you football”. Of course I love gambling on it and fantasy football but the actual rooting for a team part of it? Eh. However, that lovely young (by that I mean old as hell) gentlemen in the blue up there would instantly make me fall in love with the Dolphins again. Does it matter that his neck has potential to explode at any point???? Of course not it’s Peyton Fucking Manning! Let’s look at who has played quarterback for the Dolphins since the great #13 retired. Warning: You will probably not remember any of these people because every single one of them ABSOLUTELY SUCKED when on the Dolphins.

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The Tim Parker Super Bowl Post


The Super Bowl Yayyyy!!!!! Nothing beats seeing two teams I absolutely despise play each other in the biggest game of the season. Thanks to Tim Tebow using the power of the almighty Jesus Christ he beat a rapist and gave Tom Brady and his Pats had an easy road to the Super Bowl (did any one honestly think Shane Joe Falco Flacco could take a team to the Super Bowl???). Then there’s the Giants. They have been playing PERFECT football the past five weeks. Yes, perfect, much like the Patriots record in 2008 going into Super Bowl 42 against the same New York Giants. Despite my hatred for both these teams it should be an exciting game. Even if it isn’t I’ll have at least 40 buffalo wings and 24 Budweisers so I’ll be a winner come Sunday.

On to the keys to winning Super Bowl 46

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Let’s Go Out There Like a Bunch of Crazed Dogs and Have Some Fun


I’m likin TimmyP’s pick for the later game.  Too much pass rush.  Too much Eli.  Need a little motivation?  This clip of Lawrence Taylor should get the job done.  Let’s go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs and have some fun.

NFL Picks: Conference Championships


I’m on vacation no time to write anything!!!

Last Week
Straight up: 4-0
Spread: 4-0

Baltimore (+7) New England

Tom Brady is too good. He will win it late on a pass to Gronkowski. Patriots 28 Ravens 24

NY Giants (+2) San Francisco

San Francisco lit up the terrible Saints defense, they won’t have the same success against a strong Giants defense. Expect a lot of ugliness due to the rain, but I’ll take Eli over Alex Smith. Giants 20 49ers 16 

NFL Picks: Divisional Round


Last Week: 2-2

Sooooooooo here’s all you need to know from the first round of the playoffs………the Falcons suck, the Texans-Bengals game was the most boring game I’ve ever seen (until the National Championship game of course), the Saints enjoy scoring as many points as possible and the most important thing, Tim Tebow is in fact Jesus Christ himself.

New Orleans (-3.5) San Francisco

When the lines first came out this week I looked at this one said haha Saints and moved on. Then I started to look into it a little bit more.  A lot of things point to the 49ers in this one. They play good defense, manage games well, and most importantly get to play the Saints at home. If this game was in New Orleans the Saints would be 8, maybe 9 point favorites. Take the Saints out of the SuperDome, I mean Mercedes-Benz Superdome or whatever the hell they are calling it and they are a very, very different team. The Saints went 5-3 on the road this year including loses to the Rams and Bucs, two of the worst teams in the league. The 49ers meanwhile went 7-1 at home losing only a heartbreaker to the Cowboys all the way back in week 2.

I doubt anyone read all that (I know we have been out of college a while so I wouldn’t expect anyone to be able to read more than 2 sentences anymore) but I’ve kind of managed to talk myself into the Niners. The Saints are realllllllllly good but on the road they scare me. Sure Alex Smith is playing QB and sure they have a rookie head coach, but I think their defense will step up and control the pass happy Saints.

I meant to somehow incorporate this picture...It's just too good.

49ers 23 Saints 20

Rest of my picks after the jump

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Special Edition Wild Card NFL Playoff Picks


I only have to pick four games??!?!?!? That’s candy. What makes the playoffs even better is that I don’t need to write something for stupid games like the Rams-Seahawks.

Sadly, my favorite team to make fun of isn’t in the playoffs. What happened NY Jets?!?!?!?!? I thought this was the year that it allllll was going to click. Not so much. Granted, my Dolphins sucked. I get it. Haha make fun of Tim. But honestly not too many people were on the Dolphins Super Bowl bandwagon to begin with, me included.

The Jets were different. Going into this season a lottttttta people I know talked a lotttttttt of shit about how great the Jets were going to be this season. I just don’t get why they did….Let’s recap this team:

This man is your head coach:

Wait no, that’s a Star Wars character.

Oh, there’s sexy Rexy. He’s really good at talking shit, and then not backing it up.

As I said ALL SEASON. THIS MAN IS YOUR QUARTERBACK:

And this is your “star” wide receiver who quit on your team midway through their most important game of the season.

Oh Jets fans. I love how miserable you all must feel right now. Your team has successfully reached complete implosion level. Congrats!

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