90 on 95

Sports, rumors, and humor from the Ben Franklin to the George Washington

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Shit That has happened since I Last Posted


Shit...Got...Weird

Shit…Got…Weird

 

Well well well…..it has been quite a while since I have had the motivation to write anything in this space and I really don’t have any excuses except that I am lazy as a sloth.  Just to bring you up to speed here are a few of the highlights/lowlights in my life since my last post on March 13th 2012.

Chase Utley and Ryan Howard missed half a season

Cole Hamels Made a lot of money

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The Confession


INTERIOR -TELEVISION STUDIO- DAY

Oprah Winfrey rests perched upon her sofa. Lance Amrstrong sits, arms crossed upon his bicycle. A crowd of 50-something year old women watch with baited breathe.

OPRAH: We welcome you back to the show, I’m here with Lance Armstrong, cycling superstar.

Lance Armstrong tilts his head down and raises his right fist.

OPRAH: Now, we spent the first segment of our show politely asking Mr. Armstrong to get off his bike and take a seat on…

LANCE: BICYCLE!

OPRAH: Excuse me?

LANCE: My bicycle. A bike is a child’s toy. This is my tool upon which I shower the world with my greatness.

OPRAH: Well that greatness has been tainted with you coming out just hours earlier and admitting to your charity, Livestrong, that you did indeed use performance enhancing drugs during your amazing Tour De France races. How did that feel?

LANCE: It felt horrible Oprah. Looking at the faces of employees that made me the money I have today and allowed me to be inside Sheryl Crow for what seemed like forever, and telling them that I cheated was awful. Have you ever kicked a baby panda in the face Oprah?

OPRAH: Excuse me, no never!?

LANCE: It’s stress relieving but you feel just horrible about it. That’s what confessing these truths is like.

OPRAH: So, is there something you would like to say to me, and the audience, and your fans?

Lance looks down, away. He stymies a cry.

OPRAH: Come now, you can tell me anything.

Lance’s gaze rises to meet Oprah’s.

LANCE: May I jump up on your couch?

OPRAH: What? No! No more couch jumpers.

Without hesitation Lance leaps from his bicycle to the couch and begins jumping maniacally.

LANCE: I CHEATED!!! I CHEATED!!! I’M IN LOVE AND I CHEATED!!!

The crowd comes alive, showering Lance with approving applause.

OPRAH: Get down from my couch right this instant! Who do you think you are, Tom Cruise??

LANCE: I AM TOM CRUISE!!

The crowd chants “Cruise! Cruise!” with every emphatic jump from Lance.

OPRAH: You are not Tom Cruise!

Lance Armstrong stops jumping and whips out a gun. He points it at Oprah. The crowd falls from pure jubilation to a fearful hush.

LANCE: I am Tom Cruise!

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Mexican/American Relations and Recreational Soccer


I’ve never been punched in the face.

You’d think it’s something I would be proud of, but I’m not. I’ve had more than my fair share of instances where I should have been punched in the face. When I was a teenager I was stupid and called some kid a “faggot” in front of most of my high school class. It was outside in the parking lot (we didn’t even have to meet there after school!) and he came right up to me and faked his punch. I flinched. He held up. I’ve been an asshole ever since. I don’t even remember his name.

I deserve to be punched in the face.

A few weeks ago I started playing pick up soccer with one of the busboys from the restaurant I work at. I love futbol as much as the next sweaty guy clearing the plates off your table, I’ve just never really played it. Since I’m a natural goalie (RE: out of shape) I figured how hard could it be.

It’s really hard guys.

A 34 year old dishwasher in jeans kicks about as hard as anything I’ve ever been hit with.

The hard part though isn’t the game itself, it’s the environment. I have a weird relationship with people of Latin descent. See, I love their women. Spanish girls are like sunsets. Stunning, breathtaking, and I just love watching them go down. But I feel like me and Spanish guys just don’t get a long. Whether it’s the grill cook at work or the center forward for the opposing team, they just look at me like I’ve wronged their family.

Oh shit was that your sister?

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About Everett Golson


I’m not going to sit here and lament the refs for blowing two calls on Notre Dame’s first possession that changed the pace of the game.

I’m not going to sit here and lament how a team that finished it’s season on November 24th has to wait until January 7th to play it’s final game.

I’m not going to sit here and lament how AJ McCarron is going to be a fantastic backup one day in the NFL.

No, I’m just going to sit here and say what I’ve been saying all year: Everett Golson is a horrible quarterback. Not a bad one. Not OK. Horrible. At no time last night was there ever a moment where I said to myself, “It’s OK, Golson will figure out a way to get downfield.” Yes, he was able to lead his team almost every week and sure they went undefeated. Did we have an easy schedule? Everett Golson was our quarterback all  year, and we had yet to lose a game. So yeah, we had an easy schedule.

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The Daily Drive – 1/7/13


The Daily Drive is a (sometimes) daily feature here on 90on95. It features a mishmash of sports news, pop culture and music, things that I think you should give a shit about.

First of all you guys deserve a proper hello.

Let’s get to the good stuff.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKEY IS BAAAAAAAAAACK!!! – The NHL and NHLPA reached a tentative agreement over the weekend, and guys we’ll all be watching puck Saturday, January 19th. After what seemed like forever this stupid labor war is over and now we can go back to arguing over whether they should be playing hockey in Arizona or if the Rangers will fail again in the playoffs (no and yes!). Pavel Datsyuk toe drags for everyone!!!!

National Championship – My beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish (you may have heard of them, being number 1 in the country and what not) take on the Alabama Crimson Tide (which would admittedly make a badass civil war movie about a band of Southern bandits who team up with the North to dismantle the will of the Confederacy. Jeez Quentin Tarantino get on that) in the BCS National Championship tonight. It should be a fantastic battle of two of the best defenses in the country, and could either cement Nick Saban’s legacy (in ways that a diner waitress never could) or could be Brian Kelly’s moment to make us all come together (as ND fans, of course). Manti Te’0. That’s all. ND 17, Alabama 13.

NBA, music, ballsy kids, after the jump!

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Self Loathing and the NHL lockout


Full disclosure: this was written prior to the NHL and the NHLPA figuring their shit out.

I think me and Taylor Swift could be friends. We have a lot in common, namely an annoying significant other. For her, it’s her bevy of ex boyfriends, whereas I have a tumultuous relationship with the National Hockey League. I’ve come to realize she wrote “I Knew You Were Trouble” specifically for the lockout. Listen to it and tell me I’m wrong. Or just listen to it because it’s rather catchy. It’s like the dub-step version of a battered girlfriend. Or a hockey fan.

I don’t know how to drink without hockey. It’s nothing serious but routine was grab a six pack, watch hockey, wake up full of regret and self loathing. It was a great routine! I was just getting good at it. But now I’m forced to go out to a bar, and have beers with friends. Have you ever had a conversation with someone at a bar? Nowadays I’m happy when the music is too loud. Sometimes I even have to watch basketball. The horror. At this point I’m drinking just to drink, no puck involved.

I think I have a drinking problem.

I’ve been siphoning hockey from all available avenues. I’m like the world’s most efficient drug addict. I’ve been to AHL games, which is really just a stint in junior college and a restraining order away from attending a high school hockey game. KHL on espn2? Oh yeah, I was there. I stayed up until 4 am last Wednesday turned Thursday to watch USA hockey. Correction: to watch under 20 year olds play hockey. You ever watch a hockey game with a glass of wine? It’s so refined. Daddy just needs his fix.

But I understand where the players and owners are coming from. They make a ridiculous amount of money and we should all understand that they want to make more. I get it. I went to college for five years and got my bachelors in film. Now I’m a bartender at a shitty restaurant. While these clowns are trying to figure out how to split 3.3 billion dollars I’m stuck yapping it up with a lonely retired 65 year old man in hopes that he’ll leave me 6 bucks on a 23$ check. The least you guys could do is figure this shit out so while I’m behind the bar listening to two 19 year old waitresses brag about the destruction of their dignity I could drown it out with Pavel Datsyuk toe drags.

And we could all use some more Pavel Datsyuk toe drags in our life.

Phillies Preview: The Lineup


Good to see you too Chuck

Well it is that time of year again.  The snow is melting, the birds are chirping, Spring is in the air.  The crack of the bat and the snap of the glove legitimately arouses me.  I literally found myself watching a Mets/Nationals spring training game on TV the other night (I was also drinking).  Baseball season means a lot to the scribes on this particular website and we are going to do our damnedest to give you the most accurate preview of the two main squads (Yanks & Phillies) we will be complaining about.  We may even let Joe write something about the Marlins (doubtful).  So without further ado, here is our Phillies Lineup Preview.

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Sports Day, USA


This week has crazy potential for myself. Sort of like the New York Giants rolling into the playoffs, I’m firing on all cylinders. I had a gross week at work making money (I bartend, so I don’t actually make money. It would be dope to work at a Minting station.. Minting factory? I don’t know, to literally make money), and now I get to enjoy my two days off filled with sports sports SPORTS! This week will significantly decide the next month and a half of sports for myself, and whether you get Joe the Positive, Insightful Blogger, or Joe the Pessimistic, Downtrodden Blogger.

One Joe's medication is another Joe's celebration

It all starts today at 2:55 PM as my beloved Chelsea Blues take on Napoli in the second round of the the Champions League. It’s been a whirlwind season for the Blues, and as of right now they won’t qualify for the Tournament of Tournaments next year if they don’t pick up the points in their regular season, so today could be the last time they take on European competition for over a year. Napoli holds a 3-1 aggregate edge, but the Blues secured that all important away goal, so a 2-0 win at home and the good guys are on to the round of 8. If anyone in Fairfield County is reading this and lucky enough to have today off, I’ll be a Brennan’s Shebeen in Bridgeport, I’ll buy you a round.

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Oil Can Boyd liked the party powder


For some reason a man named “Oil Can” using blow while in the MLB doesn’t surprise me.  Hey it was the 80’s!

We Fly High, No Lie. You Know This


All the talk on the street has been about the Giants’ pass rush getting to Brady.  They are right; kind of.  The real key to this game will be forcing Brady into 7-step drops and giving the pass rush the time they need to get to him.  The Giants safeties, Rolle, Grant and Phillips, will have to step up in the box and make tackles early to force Brady to take some shots deep.  If the Pats are able to dink and dunk all day the Giants pass rush will be a non-factor.  The Patriots had the 20th ranked rush attack this year, and Brady effectively replaced their run game by dominating on passes under 10 yards.  I’d look up the stats, but there are bigger things to worry about right now; namely, scotch…. and soda.

Everyone is expecting offense this game.  Maybe.  I think Belichick and Coughlin turn this into a throwback battle between two franchises that made their mark with defense.  Plaxico was right, just 4 years too late:

Giants 23 Pats 17

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