Super Bowl 47 Prediction

Is it sad that for the past week or so everyday when I wake up the first thing I think about is who is going to win the Super Bowl? Is it even worse that every day I change my mind on who I think is going to win? Honestly if it wasn’t for gambling I really wouldn’t care about this game. Sure watching the game is fun, but really all I want to do is win a quarter in my grid pool, get a bunch of stupid questionnaire questions correct and hope that I win money on my bets…….of course eating an obscene amount of food and drinking lots of beer also makes the day worth while. I’ve tried to read literally every single article written about this game in some sort of attempt to gain some knowledge on who will win and in turn have me win some money on it….Here’s some cool shit I found:

Saturday Quickie

Timmy P has not graced this wonderful website with any NFL picks since the Super Bowl last year so I figured I’d throw some quick picks at you. Anyone that was looking for my wizard-like advice for this season I apologize. I really didn’t keep track of my record this year, but based on my account balance at betbigcity.com (Yes, that is a real place) I think my record this year wasn’t pretty. Here’s some picks.

DENVER (-9) Baltimore

New England versus Denver next week will be a real treat. Unfortunately there are two really mediocre teams standing in the way of this dream matchup. Baltimore has the “our best player in franchise history is retiring as soon as we lose” factor going for them, but they also have this man leading their offensive charge.

Ray Lewis is one of my favorite players to every play the game of football. He’s one of the best linebackers to ever play and an even better leader/motivational speaker. He probably has at least 34 offers from southern churches to become their next leader in prayer. The Ravens defense is much healthier than they were during their 34-17 beat down the Broncos handed them last month. In that matchup they had a third-string linebacker playing in place of Ray Lewis who was on the field for every single play against the Manning led offense. I’ll take Ray Lewis with a bionic arm over that guy. Editor note: Since I’m my own editor I guess it’s just a note: too lazy to look up guys name. if you really care do it on your own. Thanks.

The only other thing that scares me is the silly stat that Peyton Manning is 0-3 in the playoffs when the temperature dips below 35 degrees. Gay stat, I refuse to acknowledge it…..but if the Broncos lose I guess Peyton really does hate the cold.

I think Demaryius Thomas and New Jersey’s finest Knowshon Moreno are going to have big days and that Von Miller will have a minimum of 2 sacks. Peyton will break his stupid outdoor playoff losing streak and the Broncos will roll.

Broncos 30 Ravens 14

Packers – Niners after the jump

Peyton Manning

Please baby Jesus make it happen. Dick exploding? That would ben an understatement Joseph Auger. I love football, but the Dolphins absolutely sucking the past 10 years has made me say, “fuck you football”. Of course I love gambling on it and fantasy football but the actual rooting for a team part of it? Eh. However, that lovely young (by that I mean old as hell) gentlemen in the blue up there would instantly make me fall in love with the Dolphins again. Does it matter that his neck has potential to explode at any point???? Of course not it’s Peyton Fucking Manning! Let’s look at who has played quarterback for the Dolphins since the great #13 retired. Warning: You will probably not remember any of these people because every single one of them ABSOLUTELY SUCKED when on the Dolphins.

The Tim Parker Super Bowl Post

The Super Bowl Yayyyy!!!!! Nothing beats seeing two teams I absolutely despise play each other in the biggest game of the season. Thanks to Tim Tebow using the power of the almighty Jesus Christ he beat a rapist and gave Tom Brady and his Pats had an easy road to the Super Bowl (did any one honestly think Shane Joe Falco Flacco could take a team to the Super Bowl???). Then there’s the Giants. They have been playing PERFECT football the past five weeks. Yes, perfect, much like the Patriots record in 2008 going into Super Bowl 42 against the same New York Giants. Despite my hatred for both these teams it should be an exciting game. Even if it isn’t I’ll have at least 40 buffalo wings and 24 Budweisers so I’ll be a winner come Sunday.

On to the keys to winning Super Bowl 46

NFL Picks: Divisional Round

Last Week: 2-2

Sooooooooo here’s all you need to know from the first round of the playoffs………the Falcons suck, the Texans-Bengals game was the most boring game I’ve ever seen (until the National Championship game of course), the Saints enjoy scoring as many points as possible and the most important thing, Tim Tebow is in fact Jesus Christ himself.

New Orleans (-3.5) San Francisco

When the lines first came out this week I looked at this one said haha Saints and moved on. Then I started to look into it a little bit more.  A lot of things point to the 49ers in this one. They play good defense, manage games well, and most importantly get to play the Saints at home. If this game was in New Orleans the Saints would be 8, maybe 9 point favorites. Take the Saints out of the SuperDome, I mean Mercedes-Benz Superdome or whatever the hell they are calling it and they are a very, very different team. The Saints went 5-3 on the road this year including loses to the Rams and Bucs, two of the worst teams in the league. The 49ers meanwhile went 7-1 at home losing only a heartbreaker to the Cowboys all the way back in week 2.

I doubt anyone read all that (I know we have been out of college a while so I wouldn’t expect anyone to be able to read more than 2 sentences anymore) but I’ve kind of managed to talk myself into the Niners. The Saints are realllllllllly good but on the road they scare me. Sure Alex Smith is playing QB and sure they have a rookie head coach, but I think their defense will step up and control the pass happy Saints.

I meant to somehow incorporate this picture...It's just too good.

49ers 23 Saints 20

Rest of my picks after the jump

Special Edition Wild Card NFL Playoff Picks

I only have to pick four games??!?!?!? That’s candy. What makes the playoffs even better is that I don’t need to write something for stupid games like the Rams-Seahawks.

Sadly, my favorite team to make fun of isn’t in the playoffs. What happened NY Jets?!?!?!?!? I thought this was the year that it allllll was going to click. Not so much. Granted, my Dolphins sucked. I get it. Haha make fun of Tim. But honestly not too many people were on the Dolphins Super Bowl bandwagon to begin with, me included.

The Jets were different. Going into this season a lottttttta people I know talked a lotttttttt of shit about how great the Jets were going to be this season. I just don’t get why they did….Let’s recap this team:

This man is your head coach:

Wait no, that’s a Star Wars character.

Oh, there’s sexy Rexy. He’s really good at talking shit, and then not backing it up.

As I said ALL SEASON. THIS MAN IS YOUR QUARTERBACK:

And this is your “star” wide receiver who quit on your team midway through their most important game of the season.

Oh Jets fans. I love how miserable you all must feel right now. Your team has successfully reached complete implosion level. Congrats!

NFL Picks: Week 16

Who the fuck plays football on Christmas Eve. I forgot that all the games were on Saturday so these are super quickies.

Last Week
Spread: 9-6-1
Straight up: 11-5

Season
Spread: 111-103-10
Straight up: 150-74

Houston (-5.5) Indianapolis

Texans 21 Colts 18

Miami (+9) New England

They fucked up the #suckforluck. The #suckforBarkley doesn’t exist until next year….Guess we are on to #suckforanaveragelinemen/saftey. Oh well. Pats 35 Dolphins 24

Cleveland (+12) Baltimore

Hi Ray Rice. Ravens 24 Browns 10

Arizona (+4.5) Cincinnati

Bengals 17 Cardinals 14

Minnesota (+7) Washington

I want to take Minnesota just so I can tell Matt Lanouette fuck you, but he’ll advance in survivor. Redskins 23 Vikings 13

Denver (-3) Buffalo

Jesus gets born tomorrow. Is there any doubt what happens in this game?????? Broncos 23 Bills 14

St. Louis (+12.5) Pittsburgh

Who doesn’t lay points with Charlie Batch at the helm??????? Steelers 17 Rams 3

NY Giants (+3) NY Jets

Suck it New York your guaranteed a loss today, unless they tie which would be the gayest thing ever. Giants 23 Jets 17

Tampa Bay (+7.5) Carolina

If the Panthers lose I’ll murder myself #survivorpickissues. Panthers 31 Bucs 20

Jacksonville (+7) Tennessee

Titans 17 Jaguars 13

Oakland (+2.5) Kansas City

Classic letdown. Raiders 28 Chiefs 24

San Diego (+2) Detroit

They don’t lose in December!!!!! Chargers 31 Lions 26

Philadelphia (+1) Dallas

It continues. Eagles 28 Cowboys 27

San Francisco (-1) Seattle

49ers 23 Seahawks 14

Chicago (+11) Green Bay

Jesus day game! Packers 37 Bears 9

Altanta (+7) New Orleans

Day after Jesus day game! Saints 29 Falcons 20

NFL Picks: Week 15

Last Week
Straight up: 12-4
Spread: 9-7

Season
Straight up: 139-69
Spread: 102-97-9

Christmas season so these are gonna be quickies.

Jacksonville (+12.5) Atlanta

This game already happened so I have to get it right! For realsies I picked this one before the game. I promise. Scout’s honor. Falcons 31 Jags 14

Dallas (-7) Tampa Bay

Wait a tick. Tampa Bay just lost by 27 points to Jacksonville. Yes, Jacksonville. Cowboys 28 Bucs 16

Green Bay (-13.5) Kansas City

The Packers will go 16-0. Unless they get all gay and bench their starters. Which also will make Vegas/me implode. Packers 34 Chiefs 13

Carolina (+6) Houston

Come on. T.J. Yates cannot keep winning games. It defies everything I was brought up on. Panthers 24 Texans 21

Seattle (+3.5) Chicago

See above, replace Yates with Hanie. Seahawks 17 Bears 13

New Orleans (-7) Minnesota

Gayest picture of the 2011-12 NFL season award goes to…….

Saints 27 Vikings 18

NFL Picks: Week 14

Last Week
Spread: 4-12
Straight up: 8-8

Season
Spread: 93-90-9
Straight up: 127-65

To the millions……thousands….hundreds…ok fine….12 people who read this site, I apologize. 4-12 isn’t a good week. If you bet my picks (which no one ever, ever should do) your probably continuing to realize I have no clue what I am doing. My bad. On the bright side, I’m pretty sure I can do better. Only 3-13, 2-14, 1-15, or the dreaded goose egg could be worse. I think I’ll do better this week. But then again I say that every week. Oh well.

Cleveland (+14) Pittsburgh

Who wouldn’t trust the Steelers. I mean honestly, who doesn’t trust a rapist quarterback???? If the Steelers still had this man kicking the ball then I’d be really confident in them. Steelers 34 Browns 11

NFL Picks: Week 12

No more turkey until next year. I am still disappointed with my performance, only two plates? Really Tim? Ugh. On to the picks.

Buffalo (+9.5) NY Jets

I blew up and picked the Jets in survivor this week which means there’s a 98% chance they lose. If Mark Sanchez throws another pick he should be taken out behind the barn. I hate him. However, the Bills are a train wreck and with Freddy Jax dead they don’t have a prayer against a pissed off Jets team. Jets 23 Bills 13

Cleveland (+7.5) Cincinnati

::insert weekly why the hell did I draft Peyton Hillis saying here:: Bengals 27 Browns 10

Carolina (-3.5) Indianapolis

Cam Newton really doesn’t like losing. He had a great quote about his thoughts on the Lions game.

“I think we put on a clinic on how to lose a game”

Now if that doesn’t seem like an upset/confused man then I don’t know what does. Welcome to the NFL Cammy, you don’t get to play Youngstown State anymore, every game in the NFL is tough….. Unless your playing the Colts. Panthers 34 Colts 13

Minnesota (+9.5) Atlanta

It’s getting real close to Sunday, speed picks!!! Falcons 24 Vikings 10