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Tag Archives: NFL

NFL Picks: Week 13

Last Week
Straight up: 13-3
Spread: 11-5

Straight up: 119-57
Spread: 89-78-9

Solid week 12 for the kid. I’ll take 11-5 any week. Sadly, most of my money ONCE AGAIN was on the New York fucking Jets. Sure they won, but they didn’t cover the spread so who cares!!!!!! Well, I kinda do since I had them in survivor, but anyway, could the scene below be the Jets???? Nick Nolte as Sexy Rexy and Tony as Mark?????? With all of Marky Mark’s terrible passes and their tremendous ability to never cover the spread I’m getting realllll sketched out at the New York Jets.

Video link since I’m too dumb to embed a video

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NFL Picks: Week 12

No more turkey until next year. I am still disappointed with my performance, only two plates? Really Tim? Ugh. On to the picks.

Buffalo (+9.5) NY Jets

I blew up and picked the Jets in survivor this week which means there’s a 98% chance they lose. If Mark Sanchez throws another pick he should be taken out behind the barn. I hate him. However, the Bills are a train wreck and with Freddy Jax dead they don’t have a prayer against a pissed off Jets team. Jets 23 Bills 13

Cleveland (+7.5) Cincinnati

::insert weekly why the hell did I draft Peyton Hillis saying here:: Bengals 27 Browns 10

Carolina (-3.5) Indianapolis

Cam Newton really doesn’t like losing. He had a great quote about his thoughts on the Lions game.

“I think we put on a clinic on how to lose a game”

Now if that doesn’t seem like an upset/confused man then I don’t know what does. Welcome to the NFL Cammy, you don’t get to play Youngstown State anymore, every game in the NFL is tough….. Unless your playing the Colts. Panthers 34 Colts 13

Minnesota (+9.5) Atlanta

It’s getting real close to Sunday, speed picks!!! Falcons 24 Vikings 10

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Turkey Day Picks

All I care about on Thanksgiving……

Eating an insane amount of food.

Drinking a couple aka a lot of these puppies.

Obviously the best part of Thanksgiving is sleeping like a baby which usually happens about 40 minutes after finishing dinner. 10 Budweisers and 4 plates of stuffing/turkey make it physically impossible for me to stay awake. Okay I’m talking about my sleeping habits now so things are starting to go downhill, here’s the picks.

Last Week
Spread: 7-5-2
Straight up: 10-4

Spread: 78-73-9
Straight up: 106-54

Green Bay (-6) Detroit

Last year the score of this game was 7-3. 10 points. Put your hands in front of your face, stretch out all your fingers and your two thumbs and that is the total amount of points they scored. If that happens again I’ll forever quit watching sports because that game just doesn’t make sense to me. My only explanation to the game last year is that Aaron Rodgers had a few too many Gin N Tonics and he was a touch hungover.  Packers 27 Lions 20

Miami (+7) Dallas

Heyyyyyyyy Dol-fans. So the Dolphins are all of a sudden a good team? I have a weird feeling the Dolphins are going to lose by 36 points this weekend since that’s what I’ve come to expect, but I also feel the Dolphins defense is finally back to where I thought it would be at the start of the season. They haven’t given up a touch down since October 30th. Granted, they played against Kansas City, Washington, and Buffalo, not exactly three power houses, but still, I’m intrigued by what’s going on. The Cowboys are horrific against the spread, but on Thanksgiving they are always good. The Cowboys always burn me and I’m sure they’ll manage to do so again. The bigger question is will Tim Parker make it to the end of the 3rd quarter? This game starts at 4:15 which is right around the time the Parker family sits down to dinner. If I don’t fall asleep somewhere around the 7 minute mark of the 3rd I’ll be amazed. Dolphins 21 Cowboys 13

San Francsico (+3) Baltimore

These teams are pretty much identical. They both are coached by guys named Harbaugh, they both rely on defense and being really careful on offense. The difference is that San Francisco always covers the spread. They are 9-0-1 ATS this season. That’s good. Real good. The only way they’ll lose this game is if Alex Smith blows up. So far he’s been great this season and hasn’t screwed up any games. Who knows when he will, but I think he’ll manage the game well against the Ray Lewis-less Ravens. If I were a betting man (which I am) this one has tight game written all over it. 49ers 20 Ravens 16

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches.

NFL Picks: Week 10

Week 9
Spread: 8-6
Straight up: 8-6

Spread: 65-58-7
Straight up: 90-40

In honor (or dishonor?) of Jerry Sandusky this week’s picks will include a “most likely to pull a Sandusky” because I love spotting a child predator. Fucked up? You bet. Inappropriate and too soon? Damn straight. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.   

Oakland (+7) San Diego

I’ll take Philip Rivers over Carson Palmer any day of the week. Even if he really, really sucks there is no way that he can suck as much as Carson Palmer. Let the suck fest begin. Chargers 34 Raiders 20.
Most likely to pull a Sandusky? Al Davis. Even though he’s dead I’m sure he still haunts little boys. He defined creepy.

New Orleans (PK) Atlanta

New Orleans SUCKS at home. That’s what I’m basing my pick on. That and the fact that Julio Jones is a MAN. Falcons 29 Saints 25.
Most likely to pull a Sandusky? Arthur Blank. The Falcons owner has always been kind of weird to looking to me. That and he REALLY loved Mike Vick.

Think he knew about Mikey Vick's puppy killing??

Detroit (+3) Chicago

Interesting game for both teams. Chicago has been very hot lately and is coming off a huge win on Monday night against the Dream Team Eagles. The Lions are coming off a bye and are getting healthier. Bears 24 Lions 18.
Most likely to pull a Sandusky? Calvin Johnson. What little kid doesn’t love…


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NFL Picks: Week 7

Week 6
Straight up: 10-3
Spread: 4-8-1

Straight up: 62-28
Spread: 43-42-5

Denver (+1.5) Miami

In his first career NFL start Tim Tebow gets a home game? Now that just isn’t fair. People are gonna be gator chompin’ real hard down in Miami because no one gives a fuck about the Dolphins. Side note, can we lose every game so I get to watch Andrew Luck for the next 15 years and at least feel for a second that the Dolphins are going to be good? Broncos 22 Dolphins 13

Now if that isn't the saddest Dolphin you've seen all week then you spend far too much time searching for sad dolphin pictures

Chicago (+1) Tampa Bay

Jay Culter is the best at fake losing. He always looks miserable even when his team is winning…When he was ripping the Vikings tits off last week he looked like someone had just shot his puppy dog. I love it. Love the strategy. Bears 24 Bucs 13 

Houston (+3) Tennessee

Still no Andre Johnson=no bueno for Houstoners. Titans 24 Texans 17

San Diego (-2) NY Jets


But in all seriousness that man is really an NFL quarterback. Poor Jets fans. They beat the Dolphins Monday night and they act like the apocalypse is off forever. Well it will come, unlesssss they win this week. Which they will in upset fashion with their gay QB at the helm. Jets 23 Go Chargers Go 14

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Jim Schwartz Just Wants To Shake Your Hand

No I said O line Jim, let me see your O line!

The Detroit Lions are turning their season into something special. A perennial loser for the past decade, many experts picked the Lions to be the dark horse of the season, and so far they have not disappointed. At 5-1, the Lions have done just that, and if it weren’t for being in the same division as the Packers, they’d be early leaders for a first round bye in the playoffs. Alas, every team has to lose and the 49ers happily handed the Lions their first of the season on Sunday. The 49ers are strong team as well this year, and the Lions shouldn’t be down on themselves for losing to them. It’s not like they’re the Jets. Or the Giants. Per usual, the game ended with both coaches shaking hands, and that’s where things get interesting. Don’t limp wrist me, ESPN.

Jim Harbaugh charged across the field, lifting his shirt to expose his belly to attempt a chest bump. He extended his right hand to Jim Schwartz for a shake and slapped him on the back with his left hand. Schwartz didn’t like what was done or said — claiming he heard an expletive — and went charging after Harbaugh. What an emotion-filled scene following a meeting of turnaround teams that matched pregame hype in San Francisco’s 25-19 victory over Detroit on Sunday.

More good natured shoving, after the jump

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NFL Picks: Week 5

I’ll be honest with you, I have a few more important things on my mind today then my NFL picks. For one I may have a heart attack after the Phillies blow up and you’ll never hear from me again. But any who here’s my week 5 picks, let’s hope I make it long enough to see if I win or lose them. Since picture week was so exciting last week, I’m going to do one sentence for each game…..because I’m getting lazy. Putting together more than 15 words is quite the challenge.

Week 4
Straight Up: 10-6
Spread: 8-8

Straight Up: 44-20
Spread:  32-28-4

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NFL Picks: Week 4

Week Three
Straight Up: 11-5
Spread: 8-8

Straight Up: 34-14
Spread: 24-20-4

Not much time to do picks this week, so it’s a picture pick week. Sounds fun in theory, probably will be pretty stupid. Then again, I don’t expect much from myself.

San Francisco (+9) Philadelphia Eagles

Remember when he killed dogs?? Now all everyone cares about is his hand.... Gotta love America.

Eagles 20 49ers 17

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NFL Picks: Week 2

Tom Brady is a decent quarterback. 517 yards? Goddamn. I can barely do that in Madden. As I sat at the bar Monday night watching Tom filet the Dolphins horrific defense it dawned on me around my 15th beer that he’s the best quarterback I’ll ever see in my lifetime. He’s an 8th of the way to 4,000 yards already.  In one game. One fucking game. Three Super Bowl wins. Two Super Bowl MVPs. Six Pro Bowls. Oh, and he’s only 34 so he’ll be around a few more years. Anyway a lot of stuff happened in Week one, but that performance deserved it’s own little intro paragraph. At least we can still make fun of him for this:

However Tom also gets this each night. He wins.

Week Two Picks after the jump.

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NFL Picks: Week 1

With the return of the NFL comes the return of the great Tim Parker. I feel a little motivated after having my 12th fantasy football draft last night, so fuck it I’ll write up some picks. I’d give you some in depth analysis but it’s week one so who the hell knows what is going to happen. All I know is that football is finally back, thank you baby Jesus.

Thank God These Two Idiots Figured It Out

So here are my picks for the first week of the 2011-12 season. If your a betting man I’d take them to Vegas, I mean I am college educated so you’d be retarded not to take them to the bank. All spreads are from footballlocks.com

New Orleans Saints vs. Green Bay Packers (-4)

A matchup of the past two Super Bowl winners starts off the new NFL season. The Saints are coming off a heartbreaking playoff loss to a terrible Seahawks team who ended the Saints repeat dreams with one of, if not the best runs in NFL history by the great Marshawn Lynch.

Marshawn Lynch....The Dream Killer

Then you have the Green Bay Packers. It seemed as if every single player was hurt at some juncture of the 2011 season yet they still managed to run through the NFC in the playoffs and then defeat the Steelers 31-25 in Super Bowl XLV (45 for those who don’t like those gay numerals). Now they welcome back Ryan Grant and the freak Jermichael Finley? Yikes. Their defense does take a hit losing Cullen Jenkins and Nick Barnett, but it shouldn’t be an issue for the defending champs to find replacements for them.

I’ll say expect a high flying game between two of the best offenses in the league…but once again it’s week one so there’s always the likelihood of the ugly “we’ve only been practicing for five weeks” 17-13 game is possible. I want some points though, I mean it is opening night air it out a bit boys. Packers: 36 – Saints: 28

Rest of the picks will be up this weekend. I can’t write that much in one day without my brain exploding.


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