Well I made my first trip to beautiful Clearwater Florida for Phillies spring training and I can tell you how much fun I had. I did notice some strange things in Florida as one can imagine (Im pretty sure it has the most bail bondsman’s per capita in the country).
Tilted Kilt Girls……Not all the talent is in South Beach
-Good god there are sexy women down there. I have never seen so many young, tan, endowed (for all you NY fans with small vocabularies endowed means: Huge Racks) tight babes in my life. I literally could not wait to go to the next beer stand to scope out the next hottie with a tank top. And no that does not mean I have a drinking problem.
-HOLY SHIT THERE ARE SOME UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS DOWN THERE. I have never seen so few teeth in my life. I thought Obama was going to take care of these people. Nothing gets a morning off to a good start like a toothless waitress asking me how I want my eggs done.
-Brighthouse Field is like the fucking Taj Mahal of minor league baseball. Extremely friendly, helpful people everywhere. Decent food, cheap beer with great vantage points from everywhere. Its common practice there that the people leaving the game early give their tickets to the section attendant to give to someone else if they would like to sit closer. This FUCKIN BAFFLED ME. After trying to sneak closer from my routinely shitty seats my whole life and avoiding those fuckers like the plague, this was a welcome change.
I bet he could peel a banana with his eyes
-Roy Halladay has the focus of a super ninja. I was watching him throw a bullpen session and I could have sworn he didn’t notice one of the 500 drunken assholes yelling “You’re the fucking shit ROY!!”
-Watching Chase Utley take batting practice when he cant play is as much fun as getting kicked in the nuts by a feminist WNBA fan. The dude just looks miserable. I can only imagine how he feels about having Luis “Anti-War Hero Hospital visits” Castillo taking some grounders at his stomping grounds. Even thinking about Luis Castillo makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
Look at that fancy footwork
-Brad Lidge is a good dude. I have a 5 year old little brother and all he wanted was to get some autographs from some of the hack minor leaguers in the Phil’s bullpen. They were apparently to busy talking about how they weren’t going to make the team. Who saves the day? Who else other than Mr. 48 for 48. Not only did he sign my little bros ball he talked to all the kids as well as many of the adult fans and generally left a great impression on everybody. Is this because he’s only throwing 88 and has been smacked around by minor leaguers? Hmmmm Lets move on.
-Don’t ever go to a bar called O’Boobigans. I don’t know what I was more upset about, the fact that I walked 2 miles from my hotel or that it was named so incorrectly. I sat at the bar for 10 minutes before some gross skank came to take my order. 7 Ketel and Clubs later, she looked like Bree Olsen but that is beside the point.
-I still suck at golf. 53 on the front, 43 on the back. Embarrassing.
Overall a Fantastic trip and there is no doubt I will be back next year. Hopefully by then this website will be making literally hundreds of dollars and we can get a 90ON95 field trip together. Which would be a terrible idea.