Thoughts From Spring Training…

Well I made my first trip to beautiful Clearwater Florida for Phillies spring training and I can tell you how much fun I had.  I did notice some strange things in Florida as one can imagine (Im pretty sure it has the most bail bondsman’s per capita in the country).

Tilted Kilt Girls……Not all the talent is in South Beach

-Good god there are sexy women down there.  I have never seen so many young, tan, endowed (for all you NY fans with small vocabularies endowed means: Huge Racks)   tight babes in my life.  I literally could not wait to go to the next beer stand to scope out the next hottie with a tank top.  And no that does not mean I have a drinking problem.

Local

-HOLY SHIT THERE ARE SOME UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS DOWN THERE.  I have never seen so few teeth in my life.  I thought Obama was going to take care of these people.  Nothing gets a morning off to a good start like a toothless waitress asking me how I want my eggs done.

-Brighthouse Field is like the fucking Taj Mahal of minor league baseball.  Extremely friendly, helpful people everywhere.  Decent food, cheap beer with great vantage points from everywhere.  Its common practice there that the people leaving the game early give their tickets to the section attendant to give to someone else if they would like to sit closer.  This FUCKIN BAFFLED ME.  After trying to sneak closer from my routinely shitty seats my whole life and avoiding those fuckers like the plague, this was a welcome change.

I bet he could peel a banana with his eyes

-Roy Halladay has the focus of a super ninja.  I was watching him throw a bullpen session and I could have sworn he didn’t notice one of the 500 drunken assholes yelling “You’re the fucking shit ROY!!”

-Watching Chase Utley take batting practice when he cant play is as much fun as getting kicked in the nuts by a feminist WNBA fan.  The dude just looks miserable.  I can only imagine how he feels about having Luis “Anti-War Hero Hospital visits” Castillo taking some grounders at his stomping grounds.  Even thinking about Luis Castillo makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Look at that fancy footwork

-Brad Lidge is a good dude.  I have a 5 year old little brother and all he wanted was to get some autographs from some of the hack minor leaguers in the Phil’s bullpen.  They were apparently to busy talking about how they weren’t going to make the team.  Who saves the day?  Who else other than Mr. 48 for 48.   Not only did he sign my little bros ball he talked to all the kids as well as many of the adult fans and generally left a great impression on everybody.  Is this because he’s only throwing 88 and has been smacked around by minor leaguers?  Hmmmm Lets move on.

-Don’t ever go to a bar called O’Boobigans.  I don’t know what I was more upset about, the fact that I walked 2 miles from my hotel or that it was named so incorrectly.  I sat at the bar for 10 minutes before some gross skank came to take my order.  7 Ketel and Clubs later, she looked like Bree Olsen but that is beside the point.

-I still suck at golf.  53 on the front, 43 on the back.  Embarrassing.

Overall a Fantastic trip and there is no doubt I will be back next year.  Hopefully by then this website will be making literally hundreds of dollars and we can get a 90ON95 field trip together.  Which would be a terrible idea.

Yankees Pitching: A Bleak Outlook for the 5th Spot?

Local KFCs are stocking up.

It looks like the Yankee’s best option for a fifth starter may be Bartolo Colon.  Yes, you read that correctly:  Bartolo Colon.   I know what you must be thinking; You can just picture the World Series matchups now.  Roy Halladay vs. Fat Yankees’ starter number 1.  Cliff Lee vs Fat Yankees’ starter number 2 and so on.  Sabathia had to cut out his daily Captain Crunch binge just so the Yanks could make weight on team flights.  However, the Yankees have had their fair share of success with slightly overweight hurlers (David Wells circa 1998).  Colon is fresh off a two-hit, one-run, six-inning performance against Tampa in which he struck out five and walked none.  Through 15 innings this spring Colon has allowed only four runs on 10 hits, and is rocking a 17 to one strikeout to walk ratio.  While spring training numbers are like looking at a wonder bra, fun to look at but they can be deceiving,  there is still cause for hope.   The Yankees are chock full of young pitching.  Some think that Manny Banuelos will soon be the ace of the staff.  The Yankees have several other young prospects in Ivan Nova, Dellin Betances, and Andrew Brackman.  Who knows, maybe Joba Chamberlain will even make a pit stop at Yankee Stadium in between KFC runs.  It’s not like the Yankees haven’t done it with young (see Pettite, 1996) or inexperienced  (Hernandez, 1998) before.  Yankees fans can keep letting Phillies fans think we care about losing the Cliff Lee sweepstakes. And don’t think for one second we didn’t notice that all Adrian Gonzalez’ numbers will do is replace the departed Adrian Beltre.  New York is still the true beast in east.